Misheard Words

Mouthgasm

2011-10-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

As the days get shorter, the clock runs slower. There is no sense in all of this. However, I find that as I come to realize my calling, my purpose, and unite that with my necessities and responsibilities, I face frustration. I am, in my thinking, pathetic and weak-minded as I try to tell myself that I am capable of so much. This happens to me because I don't seem to be able to grasp certain key fundamentals necessary for life.

What does life require of someone, anyone?

There is some sense to this madness that a person must conform to a standard or system, but to what extent? How is it that some people can simply make things work, in any area of life, and come out on top or, at least, in a favorable position? Does one have to be cutthroat, cunning, or cooperative? I feel that I cannot seem to find my place due to indecisiveness through important stages in life and an untimely realization of passion.

Can that passion be harnessed?

By the beard of Zeus, I will be damned if I don't end my life slaving over a hot stove!

I realized that I live for the mastery of edible ingredients and I drive people mad with my obsession. This obsession borders on manic as I strive to create mouthgasmic dishes. In my life, there is a limit on what can be done in terms of free-wheeling and exploration as I have children demanding my attention and care, but I have found a way that will allow me to hone my skills while embracing my love. The only issue is that I may have to put the budding ambition on hold until financial bliss grants me the opportunity to bless the mouths of many.

So, in all of this, how is this going to vault me into the ranks of millions(or many, many thousands) that find a place in life suitable for success of sorts?

...eaten by a bear...

2011-05-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

Where are the words going? My mind is empty and expansive. There is nothing much to be said at this moment. As far as I know, the ocean is right outside my doorstep. I cannot contemplate the mysteries of life tonight. I am at an utter standstill complete with befuddlement. What were the people like back when there was no TV, CD players, and other forms of instant media? I feel like I should step outside and sit idly and watch the stars(illusion) move. Is it possible I may have lost it? Corrosion of character and train of thought? Things get ever so complex at an alarming rate with each passing day but we are still live and fighting. Sometimes, it doesn't make sense in the least. Contemplating the various paths one could take is terrifying, even unreal, to me as I have to learn to think of myself last, even in the most trivial of pursuits. When do I find myself capable of being selfish without harm? There may never be that moment ever again. As much as I would like to experience the grit and ruggedness of a distant far-flung region, I cannot allow myself to be in the throes of adventure and near-death. Grow a beard while traversing the great land of China, raft down the Amazon River, or drink kava with Fijians. These all sound awfully appealing, yet I cannot nor do I want to think of doing a thing without my better half or my children. I would not be so absurd as to endanger either one of those close to me but, sometimes, my wanderlust may get to me. I merely want to take a walk in the woods, deep inside, to an isolated meadow where I may lay my head. Reality may snap me back like a whip but I dream until the day I can scramble up a switchback becomes a reality. I cannot wait to breathe in mountain air and eat wild strawberries. I cannot wait to dip my feet in an ice cold snowmelt. I wish to feel the sun warm my face high above the world. I hear the word "bear" and I instantly imagine myself in a battle for life. I see the sun glinting upon the ocean and I see myself, knee high, in a river stalking rainbow trout. At night, my dreams grow so vivid I cannot remember details quite as clearly but remember the depth of the emotions. I open my eyes and I am back home laying in my bed.

....I may be losing my mind

...Ezra...

2011-04-27T21:41:00.001-07:00

These months have been some of the longest I've known in some time. Time flew by quite fast but the daily events went by at a crawl. Never did I think that I would resurface from my grief, even with the support and love of my family. There wasn't much for me to say in all this time, even at the urging and encouragement of my woman. I had lost my brother, a person riddled with pain and misgivings, for whom has watched over me for many years. Through all our ups and downs, we came together at the very end.

What a bitter ending...

But out of one chapter in life, a new one must begin. Am I wrong to assume that I can move forward one day? I surely hope that is inherent in me. If that were not the case, I would be in some serious trouble. My son grows every day, at such a rapid rate, that I don't even feel pain so much, let alone mourn for my lost brother. Each day is a new change, a new sound, a stronger step, and my son is already standing, albeit with assistance, in front of me.

Where has time gone?

My boy, whom I've given his middle name from my lost brother, reminds me of the future, the things to be had. When he smiles, I cannot help but smile. When he falls, I must hold him close and teach him to be strong. There is so much more to come and each day, while exhausting, gets easier. There is still a little part of me that will never let things go, the fact that my brother, whom I love so dearly, will not get to see his namesake grow.This pain will never escape me, but I want my son to know him still. In all these months since the last posting, I've felt a presence that has been unmistakable. I don't know what to believe, what to think, but I tell myself that I'm crazy or seeing things. Often, I see my brother in a flash, only to double take, and he is no longer there.

I wish he could return to me, to us.

However, as far as life goes, I try to keep my head up, even when I feel low, so that I am a pillar of strength to those around me. I fail miserably on many of these days but it could be far worse. I could be deep in a sinkhole, a place of no return, where many men have lost their souls. Yet, the light shines bright and every day becomes a little easier. My only hope is that I get my strength back so that I may stand tall against the next calamity.

I must become unbreakable.

...when a member of the pack dies...

2010-09-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

Today, my brother died. The incident wasn't some random accident or murder. Suicide. Whatever opinion one holds on the subject has no importance. In the confusion, the occurrence of such an event leaves on in mystery, sadness, and anger. There is no point in analyzing his death but my mind repeats all the memories of his contact with me throughout the course of the day before the happening to the post.

My brother has always been troubled or, rather, seeking something with an edge to it. His personality screamed impulse. His hands took what they could. He had periods of calm where he backed off for, perhaps, a few months at a time. Such a period was rare and well-received, but always with an asterisk. An asterisk that says, "Just a second - he'll burn out any day." What the fuck? Why was he always like this? I began to get angrier by the minute. Stupid. Fucking selfish. What was so troubling to him, a person capable of achieving plentiful wealth and possessions, with a family always available, to go such a route? Fuck.

Well, my anger slowly dissipated into aggrieved acceptance. Nothing can be changed, obviously. Yet, it hurts all the more every passing moment. Somehow, one has to find the good in such a bad situation, only to validate their sadness as real, purposeful.

The good?

I named my son, only 28 days old, after my brother. In retrospect, I can take some solace in that, I suppose. I've never been in this situation before and the approach to it could be vast. In some way, he may be remembered in a new light. A future full of great hope and potential.

As this event has occurred approximately 30-45 minutes ago, perhaps more, I am short on words. What I have will have to do.

When a wolf dies, they go on a mourn hunt. When my brother died, I had no words.

..where is my son?...

2010-08-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

The minutes go agonizingly slow in the darkness of night. I lay in bed next to my woman and my unborn child. My hand and forearm feel the entirety of the womb, registering the little bumps and kicks. Occasionally, I adjust my hand to catch a particularly hard bump but the little one is not too consistent with his movements. As we are about to hit the second day past the due date, I am gripped by anxiety and excitement. I cannot wait for my son to be born. I am afraid of my son being in this world. I am truly joyous that I will have a heir. I am fearful that, despite what I do, he may be destined for something else. Is a child's future determined by free will or destiny? There is no proof of either, which is all the more troubling, but comforting to think that there is some measure of choice and fate.

I gasp. My heart rate quickens. I try to adjust my position. Instead, I feel queasy and finding difficulty in taking calm breaths. I am at a place many have failed. What will be my result? Will I be a good father or a bad father? So many people profess to have been a good parent simply by being there, supporting their family, etc, etc, etc... But is simply providing a home and sustenance the key to being a good parent? Never mind a roof over their heads or food on the table. If you have some extent of that, what really makes you stand out as a parent?
Love.

I worry that I may not be able to communicate with my son as well I wish. I will teach him sign language before he even speaks, but I desire to hear my boy throughout his years, rather than supplementing with sign language. I have no gripes with sign language or being deaf anymore but the fact that I have fought for common ground, to be equal to anyone else, and refused to be labeled deaf(unless I myself use it as a scapegoat), I will never want anything less than to be like my son.

We are at the beginning of our lives. The beginning of a magnificent and tumultuous journey. I cannot help but think of all the things I want to do for and with my son. I still cannot fight back the anxieties trying to poison my joy. Perhaps, the anxieties will never leave, as I have observed in my parents, because they will never stop worrying until the day they die. Which leads me to realize that this is only the beginning. I will never stop worrying and protecting my family until the day I die. I don't plan on dying for a very, very long time so my family might get sick of me at some point.

I realize I've been dreaming and wake with a start. After a long time of feeling helpless and unable to sleep, I had drifted into a sea of what ifs. I shake my head and try to settle back in. I wish I knew what I was doing. I suppose that kind of knowledge will only come as I go. I grimace at the thought of being ignorant or, even, lacking basic understanding of how to do a particular thing.

I roll over in an attempt to sleep. I cannot sleep. I fall asleep. I wake with a start. I snort. I adjust and clench my teeth. I wake-dream in flashes but I am still awake. After some time laying motionless, I roll over one more time. Closer to my woman. I put my arm back around her and feel her womb in which my son resides. When will he come?

I fall asleep.

...the bump...

2010-06-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

Here's a first shot at 33 1/2 weeks....procuring pictures of the soon to pop belly has been an arduous task...Click the picture for the full shot...

These weeks have truly been joyous and I cannot wait for the impending arrival of my son.
This will be my journey into manhood that which will transcend all things in my growth.
Peace and Bless.

...still breathing over here...

2010-06-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

...I haven't typed a word since the last post which is dated for you suckers but I don't bother to keep track since it has been ages. As I've been caught up in the whirlwind that is school, a new family setting, and fatherhood, I didn't realize the extent of my absence. Sure, I may have had time to write a few pieces here and there, but my mind and heart wasn't set on it. Why bother? The only words that would have come out would have been "durrrrrrrrrr" since all my creative energy was devoted to breakfast, school, homework, housework, dinner, zombie-ing on the couch, and counting the days until school lets out and the boy pops out.
I'm still lacking a chunk of my former enthusiasm for writing, I've decided to start tracking my son via uterus by way of photography the next few days.
I am hoping this will give me the jump start I'm looking for to get back into the business of entertaining the masses with my edifications.

In the meantime..hang onto your asses.

...progress in acceptance...

2009-12-30T13:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. William House,

In light of my growth process and realization of the things that matter in my life, I have come to an apex in a life cycle. It’s been about 21 years since I’ve had my cochlear implant and it has been a miraculous means of support and survival for me. The road has been bumpy and filled with every kind of up and down you can imagine, but it wouldn’t have been as special as it was without you. I regret the immaturity in my appreciation for these things over the years and wish I would have said a few words more here and there, at the very least, to show you the happiness you gave me. I recently picked up a National Geographic showcasing the bionic advances in today’s technology and it showed a child with a double implantation. It was amazing to see the differences and capabilities offered to people nowadays.

As fate would have it, I was at an ultrasound appointment last week with my better half to find out the age of our unborn child and there it hit me. There was a little boy with a double implantation and mildly autistic. His parents told me that he got implanted by the House Ear Institute and it was such a joy to see him able to communicate with his family. However, something I’ve gained in the years of my toeing the line in deaf/not being deaf in being able to read people’s faces, eyes, and expressions. I could see the sadness and nearly lost hope in his eyes, despite his improvement. He was limited in his ability to communicate due to his autism, but his eyes spoke of his hope and despair all at once. I knew these feelings as a child, but they diminished as I grew up and developed my abilities as far as they can go. It was an exceptionally profound moment that kickstarted my mind to a place I wish I had attained at a younger age. I realized my inability(note: stubbornness) to accept being deaf due to my being brought closer to normalcy had been holding me back in some ways, but allowed me to grow in other ways. I realize now is the time for another change in my life. I needed to thank you in so many words for doing this for me. For being a strong supporter in my life and those like me. I saw that child and felt the need to help him since not many could truly understand him on his level. I have started the process of creating a foundation to hand pick children akin to me to, hopefully one day, help them from start to finish in their education, therapy, aid, and life. I do not want another to experience the pain or struggles I went through, small or large. It may have been the experiences that made me stronger but, also, they were the ones that made me harbor a slight bitterness along with extreme joy when I think about it.

Then, the next revelation occurred to me. I write this as I sit in my bed freshly woken up from a dream. I was dreaming that we were meeting for a talk about life and the changes that have been made. You told me the positive progress and I expressed my anxieties the new technology offered. Mainly, it is due to the fear of surgery again and, possibly, again. I have a slight trepidation to starting all over, even with a supposedly incredibly new implant or design. Yet, I feel the need to have a moral push to accept it for a better me. I woke up in tears as I realized how long it has been, how immature I have been, and how much you have done.

I can only say it in so many words.
Thank you for everything. I wouldn’t have traded anything for it. It brought me to where I am, to allow me to hear the beautiful sounds in life, and meet the person I’m going to raise my family with. I can say this with all my heart, as sincerely as possible, that you are my savior and my beacon in this storm.

Thank you.

With all my love and best regards,

JDF

...prior to the life of...

2009-12-23T00:41:00.000-08:00

The blinding dashes cut to my brain
Restless and Resilient I feel
The changes fading in smoke
My seed spread, growing and gasping
I don't feel a regret or a worry
But in my youth, I sense the aging
Unbreakable and Unstoppable I feel
My eyes wide and alert always
This world cracks every day
The protector I must become
I can't waste away in my mind
As I am about to see a life
Unfold and act upon creation
I gasp and stand strong
Soon I will know what I must do
It's a hell of a thing to come to
But I've never been happier

...if only you knew...

2009-11-30T16:24:00.000-08:00

I’ve been stunned. I lost my face, went white with shock, then like an infectious disease, I couldn’t stop grinning. That shit eating grin was the day my life changed.
I can’t really even tell you right now. I should not be alluding to anything.
But.
I am...a happy man.
My brother quoted Hunter S. Thompson as a means for some friendly advice. It doesn’t really quite apply to this situation, only to the panic one might experience.
Goddamn.
I am excited.
While in the midst of preparations, a move, a life changing switch, all that froze in its tracks.
Not a bad thing, though.
Now I go back to my roots, in a sense. Re-establish my connection. Fix some loose ends. Build my legacy.
Legacy?
I know it.
In the words of Walter Sobchak, I leave you:

If you will it, it is no dream.

(for you suckers, I know it’s a Herzl original)

Life will be good.

...love...

2009-11-11T12:06:00.000-08:00

I had a habit of forgetting things
The simple things that matter most
I went through life blind and broken
A penchant for a lifted nose and ego
Torn by a woman, beaten by the world
A soldier of freedom I became
Deaf to the cries and plies
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
To your smile brilliant
Your lips so sweet, tender
Your sighs, oh, so light
From the darkness of night
I come to shine
It was inconsequential
The choices I made
It was unstoppable, this train
This flood of pure
Resolution and revelation
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
To your smell, so warm
Your curves, so soft
Your eyes, an ocean
From an island to a home
I had been led astray
Bitterness and hatred veiled
Lifted from my eyes
Now I never thought I'd be the same again
Fighting for love
Digging deep to quench this thirst
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
To your touch, heal me
To your moans, bring me alive
The fire in your words, I love
And you know it is a surprise
When things happen so easy
It becomes a blur and what?
The time is never enough
Healing is only the start
Loving is only the beginning
I don't want to let go
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
Oh, oh, oh
It all came down to you

...who knew?...

2009-10-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

The strength of a person’s mind is as powerful as their will. In light of recent incidents, I’ve realized the tenacity and determination required to look away from an old attachment, routines, or even, a friend. You never thought the day would come when the expiration lapsed and a total meltdown would ensue. Years of quiet tolerance, patient ignorance, and a gnawing fear that it would be for naught. I have come a long way from fists in the streets to words at the dinner table. Yet, I never thought such words would be spilled at a friendly dinner. Then, the clouds raged and grew dark. Over a meal of meat and potatoes, friendly words soon soured, turned into hatred and ugliness, and blood boiled.

From the first word, I felt my brow weigh down. My nape prickled and grew hot. The acid-hot blood surged through my veins and I saw the beginnings of darkness. Prone to extreme anger and violence in truly necessary situations, I felt I was thrown into the pit of lions. All I saw at that point was KILL. Here was what I thought was my comrade, my friend, and he simply lost it. With that in mind, I realized I couldn’t react like I would in the darkest situations, despite these ugly words. Yet, the beast in me screamed to kill, ravage, destroy, mutilate, just to react in a simply destructive way. The man in me kept the beast in check, but not without repercussions. At only the halfway point of this altercation, I began shaking and quivering violently with the inner desire for combustion battling my self-control. I could feel the beast clawing, tearing inside me, roaring to kill, but yet, I was holding back.
Somehow, I was able to restrain myself, keep it cool, and calmly try to break down the situation. I asked questions pertinent to our lives, our future, and the implications of the now. Completely disregarded, I was shocked. It went above and beyond what was necessary in unnecessary. I mustered up the strength to say my last words without backlash.

You will regret this. You will regret the things you’ve said and done. You don’t know it now, but you will see it soon.

These last words weren’t said once, but multiple times. I tried to give the benefit of doubt, the moment of pause to react appropriately, yet it was a lost cause. After the final saying of these words, I got up and turned my back to my former friend. While I didn’t decide it would be forever, I knew it my mind and heart that it will be so. Upon descending the steps out the door and into the street, I was engulfed in a blackness of rage and anguish. I was still shocked by the turn of events, yet accepting of my decision and choice.
The strength of a person’s mind is as powerful as it allows them to believe as long as there is a degree of control and sanity. Sadly, I believe two powerful minds were at a head and one prevailed. The other seemed to have cracked like glass and spilled its contents out, plaguing me with its evil words. It took much out of me but I realized that I am much stronger than that.
The strength of my mind is of my own perception of my true power. I make this point by diminishing means of communication, desire, or relationship. I feel a sense of comfort and stability by looking to the future, not the past.
There is no time for a person to be brought down by another person’s words or actions.

...redemption...

2009-10-16T08:43:00.000-07:00

There's a red plaid ocean in my dreams
An endless bobbing sea of flannel
The time stretches out endlessly
I find myself sinking in the darkness
And a hand touches me on my soul
Electrified and revived
The skies are empty as my sadness
Wanting for nothing
My angel waits for me to wake
Green blue eyes and soft
I hear the drumbeats go in my head
From deep inside, from far away
Her touch blinds my senses
I open my eyes to stop the storm
I grab her close to keep from crashing
Swallowed up in the sea
The night ends and day brightens
I hold her warmth next to me
Keep myself close to this love
Fighting against the time
As a broken man beat down
She pulled me from the fire
Save my soul from certain destruction
Sweet redemption rained down from her eyes
Green-blue tears to heal my wounds
I look up at the sky to see her
But she's gone away, far away
I see the clock racing against me
She already knew what was to come
As I find myself sitting alone
I look at the lines of my hands
And see all the times they've touched her
For the first time in a long time
I smile.

...101 reasons why the French are...

2009-10-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

NSFW: The Dance of the Seven Veils

Magicienne se déshabille
by badoles

...Bert and Ernie..

2009-09-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

No words necessary.

...dream within a dream...

2009-09-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

I was walking down the green fields
Saw a bright light flash over the sky
My steps were mired in mud
Dragging the earth with me
A burning brightness seared the clouds
The wind blew hurt into my face
Screaming, howling, whipping
My eyes were closed as I ran
Clutching my chest to feel my beat
I was empty inside, a shell of nothing
The sun touched down and shattered
I swore I could pick up the pieces
They only laughed at me and melted away
Everything I ever hated in a puddle
The sky was now dark and quiet
I could see my reflection even in blackness
I stood for many days and nights
Stood still like stone til I cracked
The anxieties and sadness rippling away
Then, the earth opened up and swallowed me
I was consumed by dirt and corpses
I sank into darkness again
I laid there under earth biding my time
I dreamed inside of my dream
I begged and begged to be free
Yet, still as a stone I lay
Then, a hand reached in and grabbed mine
Pulled me free from my earthly tomb
I had no voice to gasp or speak
I fell to my knees and looked up
I could not see a person or spirit
As I looked into the night sky
I think to myself, was I dreaming?
How I have these dreams within dreams
Worlds beyond galaxies and imagination
I shake my thoughts and get to my feet
It was not the world I was taken from
I walked on into the alien landscape
With some sort of purpose I wander
What felt like eternity was only a few blinks
I walked and walked and walked
My chest became heavy and tired
I wished to stop and sleep
I felt there was no end to this nightmare
I laid down upon the desert sand and look!
The sky was a dazzling kaleidoscope
Filled with beautiful colors and shapes
I laughed at myself for dreaming such ridiculousness
My eyes grew heavy and the colors persisted
I could no longer relent and I slipped away
I dreamed for what seemed like ages
and I opened my eyes and groaned
I was home all along.

...because it's Saturday...

2009-09-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

...contemplation...

2009-09-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

It has finally happened. The long waiting period, the changes necessary, and the growth mentally. After puttering around the first half or so of 2009, I'm finally cracking the books. Constantly checking my schedule for homework, reading up on my material, and writing papers. The first week or so was a stumbling block. I felt like I couldn't sit still to do enough work. I couldn't approach the thought processes necessary to write in different perspectives. It was the rust on my brain holding me back. The 7 years since high school gone stale. Then, just a few days ago, I found my space and rhythm. It's been a smooth ride since. I'm beginning to relish the challenge and I'm beginning to want more than they can offer this semester.
Now, practically mid-coitus with another transitional phase, I'm merely biding my time. I wont be here in the OC much longer will all you folks. I know it's a sad thing leaving, but the grip of the bubble will fade soon enough. The day I leave OC, add some miles between me and her, and settle in my new territory, I will be able to sigh and sink in my chair. I will truly miss all my friends and family, but who is to live my life?
I had a dream last night that I was packing up and all my friends were there watching me. Nobody was helping, which was odd, because it was at the same time I was trying to load up the heaviest items. They were all expressionless, but numbered, and I could only look back as I was in the process and see the lack of emotion. Then, I realized, they didn't even have faces. They were just figures, shells of themselves, not even souls. I, then, turned to my truck and realized it was overflowing and I was about to be beset by my own furniture. It came tumbling, crashing, splintering, and crushing me. I lay there on the driveway, the hard blacktop, and I looked up from my place. They had moved closer and were leaning in. Yet, no faces. Silhouettes and outlines surrounded me. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't reach. They were coming for me. Their hands reached out and got closer until the light blotted out from their palms. It became very dark and I closed my eyes to let it be swift. Then, nothing. I finally wake up in my own bed with both arms straight out in front of me to stop the hands. The hands of my friends coming for my soul.
Is that what it was?

...Beethoven...

2009-09-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

A man scoffed at and reviled
His last days spent in anger
His world of music diminishing
The sounds of joy fading away
A man consumed by his instrument
Destroyed by his flaws
Many a night he must have died
His temper smoldering in fury
He beat on the piano keys
Day by day, it mutes ever more
Finally, peace was found
Despite the audience's confusion
By his final works of chaos
Confusion and Horror
This man finally died
As a storm broke out
His last breath lives on forever

Now came a man. A man by the name of Karajan. His spirit and ferocity match the anger of Beethoven. Enjoy.

...death of a fisherman...

2009-08-24T13:15:00.001-07:00

The three men were sitting at the end of the dock shrouded in fog. The crates they sat on were rotten, crumbling from the salty air. Their cheeks red and raw, visible even in the grey morning veil. Words were not to be found as they sat warming in their coats, drinking nips of brandy, and expelling a fog of sour and salt.
Finally, the greyhaired one of the three spoke.
"You know...it's been a year to this day MacLeod went down."
Slow nods were all.
The youngest of the three stirred, clearing his lungs of the tired air.
"That bastard was crazy for going out there during the biggest storms."
Grunts were all.
The quiet one of the three pulled out a cigarette and lit in a fluid motion that defied magic.
Smoke mingled with the fog and faded.
Then, he spoke up.
"May he live on in peace, deep under the sea, forever in our hearts and memories."
The cigarette crackled in the quiet.
Slowly, the fog burned off and the men sat there silently. The brandy ran low as the sun rose higher behind their backs. The briny air cut through the warm mist with a sharpness.
The greyhaired one stood up and sighed.
He turned to the sun and closed his eyes. It was a beautiful day yet he couldn't hold back his sadness.
The other men sat quietly still, smoking cigarettes and finishing off the brandy.
A seagull's cry cut across the sea and they looked up at the sky in turn.
It was blue and clear now yet they saw beyond that. So far they gazed, they looked endlessly at the horizon.
They looked at each other and saw the same comfort in knowing they will end their time with the ocean at sea.

...msnbc...

2009-08-22T23:34:00.000-07:00

People say too much
Talking and talking
All the things to be done
All the words to be said
They shout and fight
On all sides they draw a line
Who's right?
Who's wrong?
What about us?
The People?
We don't talk about what to do
We fight for our lives
They speculate on our doings
Watching us like rats in a cage
Do something with your deep pockets
Save us from this gibberish
Turn off your TV to save a head
Mute the radio to spare an ear
I can't hear any of it
But their mouths move and move
Talking but not doing
God, will it ever stop?
Save me from this torment
These non-believers of life
Cash is god, power is king
Act out against our tyrants
Stop it, save me, spare me

...Quiet...

2009-08-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

Quiet the night seems
Dark the clouds are
Silence is so forbidding
Penetrating gloom
I shut off the lights
Slip off my only aid
Shy myself away
My private universe
The dark and silence
Leaves me to my thoughts
Of all things ancient and new
Something grows inside me
My fear
My rage
My imagination
Quiet it seems outside
In my head, it's pure chaos
The quiet respite I may get
From removing my link
Isn't as peaceful as it seems
Your thoughts compound
Stretch and spin
Turning into magical and demonic
Manifestations of myself
Quiet the world seems
Loud the eyes look
Their words plead and shout
From their lips, I cannot hear
From their gestures, I cannot see
Their lying eyes, I can feel
I close my eyes to escape
Shut down my mind to release
Free from my silent world
I slip away in my dreams, in my quiet
But I never escape the noise

..80s revisited...

2009-08-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

I'll say some of us missed this decade just barely. For those of us that didn't, here's a reminder of how bad things did get...

For 100 bonus points, see if you can spot Kelly Ripa

...recap...

2009-08-10T15:04:00.001-07:00

You know what Billy Mays really liked? Drugs. Lots of them.
R.I.P.

...haiku...

2009-08-06T08:06:00.000-07:00

(written on a piece of paper at 3:06am)

Blurry eyes and aching heart
Man's soul is possessed
Heavy foot he never stops

...and a side of purpose

2009-07-28T11:30:00.000-07:00

A short time passes by and I think it's been forever. I see my changes in stages that are almost exponential in progression. I feel that as time goes by and it telescopes to a final outcome, the subsequent growth will only be faster and faster until I achieve the maturity necessary to die gracefully.
I never fear or worry that it is near. Do you think life will be any better or easier or convenient by preparing for the inevitable? Maybe it is selfish to think this way, but if you take calculated risks everyday, where's the harm in risking peace of mind? No matter, it comes for us all but we all approach it in such a variety of ways, one would think we'd be enlightened to the fact.

The things that make you happy. That make you sad. That make you crave life. Crave isolation. Where does it all come from? What can you do for yourself to be where you want to be? Is it all in our head? Our hearts? A little of everything? I hope we're not being seduced by a great power with the intent of bending you over backwards for every ounce of our soul. In every stage of our lives, we fight against something. Feeling ourselves alone in the world. A world of billions clawing at each other for the top. Most give up. Most stand back and watch. The few that stand tall are drawing a fine line between insanity and genocide. We are either a good or a bad. I lay here thinking, hoping there will be another time when I can look back and see something worth saving, living, fighting for.

I smile at the thought one day I'll make it far away from here. Sure, things aren't bad, but sometimes you want something more. I am always looking for it, feeling for it....most times, i dont even know what it is....
Being purposeful in life is a rarity. Most questions are left unanswered. We pray, beg, seek, study, learn, explore the reaches for an answer to everything. We destroy and rape as we discover. We have encyclopedias and books and resources filled with information of everything in the world. All our thoughts, our sciences, our religions, our feelings, our lives, all on a piece of paper or digital data. In the time we live in, we should definitely have enlightenment. Yet, we are beasts, raw and wild in our own state. Will our journeys cut too deep into the earth? Will we finally learn the mind? Will we abandon our ties to weaknesses? And the world reborn?

I cherish every moment I have. I regret every evil I've done. I am still young and have much to do yet in my life. I only wish for an epic ending. I hope the day I die, I turn to stone and the first west wind will blow me to dust. I know this is only a dream of heroic tragedy, but it wouldn't hurt to end in such a way. I believe we all earn our rewards. It all depends on how you look at them. You appreciate and value what you have, who you have near you, and how you live. To desire, want, stress over needless things and people is the hardest habit to break. We all feel a need for something in our lives but controlling how it affects you is supreme. If not for the human heart, the world would run rampant with the bile that is our dark side.

Maybe i'm not doing so well, after all. Maybe I'm going too slow and stupid for what's necessary in life. Maybe I really don't know what I'm doing. None of that matters since all I see is where I'm going and the end result and the fact that I can see that is very comforting. I haven't had an end goal in sight in so long, it was almost disheartening. To be able to know what the end will be if all goes well, give or take a few detours, is an amazing thing. Especially after a long set of confusing years and bitterness.

No matter.
It's only going to be hell from here on out.
Hell, I can handle.

...more Cisco...

2009-07-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

the fiasco continues:
Passing the torch
The End

excerpts

2009-07-21T12:21:00.001-07:00

Cisco

2009-07-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

Sorry for my brief hiatus. I've been on a trip visiting the boys in SF and my sister in Sacramento.
I wouldve been putting up stuff, but something sinister has been keeping me from the written word.
One word.
Cisco.

We'll come to that.

It all started with my arrival at the boys in SF. The plans unfolded immediately as I stepped in. It was 636pm, early for festivities...there's talk of a Bike 42 Vodka afterparty...blunts....general rancor..and all the confusion you could want. All I have on my mind before anything needs to be done is bibimbap. 'Don't worry, we'll get it before they close'
I didn't worry.
We gather up our stuff and depart, only to my dismay, for the liquor store. What? No food? I've been driving all day. 'We'll eat before the bar'
Good idea.
Well, these boys love tecate. I can't say the same, but I feel an obligation to keep up so I cracked one...or 6 open and we watched the crowds pulse and fade and the light dip in the sky. Soon, one by one, we head out. Then, there was two.
We hoof it back to the house to grab some wheels for the next step.
'Bibimbap?!'
'Yes, my friend'
Success.
We're en route for some glorious grub. It's only about 6 blocks away but the anticipation was great. We come upon the vomit lime green building and, sure enough, it's open. We walk in only to be stopped at the doorway.
'Oh, no! We're closed! (input heavy korean accented apologies)'
"it's ok...we'll get it tomorrow for lunch.'
Damn.
Anyone that knows me, this was a blow to my esteem. No matter. I'll pick it up later.
We crash into the M later on to an interesting mix of people and music. Familiar faces, hugs, hellos, unrecognized moments, all good times.
I immediately sit next to a Haitian girl who has the tendency to be amourous with quite a few people..maybe some of them in the room aall at once, if she could. That being said, I sat next to her and we started catching up for no reason. Why would it even matter? All her eyes see are penises and vaginas. Like a finely attuned predator, they only see one thing.
The random chatter goes on, I sweep the room, the drinks are plenty, the friends are laughing, the people are, more or less, getting along.
'What? I keep forgetting you guys have no 7&7s'
Goddamnit.
Must not be my night tonight.
Gin and a squeeze of OJ, then.
Gin.
Gin.
Gin.
The night started to take on a familiar blur. The noises melted and blended with the lights and faces. We break around the alley every so often for a much needed smoke.
Exhale. The chatter turns into nonstop laughter. It's one great big party. Nothing to worry about.
Stumbling in through the front door, I sit down at a booth and the predator is still on the search. She returns to me.
Am I a last resort?
Maybe.
She sits next to me and looks me up and down. I look back and think 'the fuck?'
She starts pawing at me in a drunken fervor to elicit a sexual response. Seeing a person on the end of the night looking for someone in the middle of the night wasn't doing it. I just looked at her with a slight sadness and what does she do?
'Hmmmph'
Typical.
Rapid fire texting begins. I watch over her shoulder as I recognize the names, she sends a horny SOS.
Does it work?
I think it mightve.
In a few short minutes, over a fresh gin, I see her come around the corner with an obvious look of a mission accomplished and not far behind her, a kid with a ratty 'stache and budding locks zipping up his pants. Everyone's gotta have a good night in their own right.
Let it go.
The hours are running late. My friends are all over the place. I don't know where they are half the time. We decide it's time to have a bonfire in the backyard of a local.
Duraflame, Cisco, Doritos, big mistakes we should never have made.
Load up. Bike off. Squeeze through door. Set up pit.
Instantly, we have a group of people vying for a space and a drink.
We sit and crack open a fresh tecate, duraflame log crackling away, and the devil is raised.
Cisco.
The first one is opened.
Grape.
Smells like tylenol, cough syrup, grape swishers, and booze all in one.
Godawful.
We swig and pass.
Within minutes, it is empty.
We sip our tecates and smoke. Afraid of the next one to come.
Fresh tecates all around.
The fire burns low. We sink deeper in our seats, conversations building in intensity, the booze flowing.
Fresh log. Fresh bottle.
Cisco.
No!
No more!
This one, a berry flavor.
Goddamnit.
We swig and pass.
It's not as bad...maybe it's the alcohol numbing me. Maybe it really just doesn't taste that bad now.
Sip the tecates and watch the fire blaze hot. The bowls go around. The Cisco goes even faster.
Crack open a new bottle.
Cisco.
FUCK!
Is this going to end?
Well...two more bottles.
How much time has passed at this point? I'm not even sure and I keep glancing at my cell phone to gauge my space....
but I'm lost.
I can't even remember the last time it was when I last looked.
Swig.
Puff.
Exhale.
My insides are churning.
I don't want to look at anyone anymore. The fire makes them look like caricatures. One girl in particular looks extremely cartoony with eyes that look like they'd be before a murder. It was my paranoia kicking in. Was it?
Fresh bottle.
Cisco?
Yes, Cisco.
I swore I wouldn't drink anymore of this shit.
Sipping on my tecate, it is thrust into my hand.
Cisco?
FUCK.
I swig as hard as I can.
My eyes water, ears feel like bleeding, stomach turning.
The syrup.
The booze.
The gin.
I'm not so sure I feel good.
Swig and pass.
It's a long night already.
We still have to get through this bottle and ride back home.
4 blocks but 4 blocks is a shitload when your vision is a squinty right eye.
Swig and pass.
Done?
Yes.
I sink into my chair, watching people leave one by one, the flame going low, sinking deeper into darkness.
An incredible surge hits me.
I spring up, walk upstairs, acting as if nothing was up, once in, I bolted for the bathroom.
I've never seen so many rainbow colors in my vomit.
Grape, Cherry, Berry, and an uknown flavor. All swirling in rainbow technicolor.
Fuck.
I think I'll be alright.
I stagger downstairs, crack a fresh tecate, wash my mouth of the hatred.
Cisco.
Gag.
The night nears its end...finally...I have no desire to be awake or alive right now.
We drag our bikes out into the almost morning light.
'What time is it?'
Time to get going so we can do our dance with death riding bikes on the streets.
Zipping in and out of predawn traffic, riding along the bike lane almost clipping cars, trying to time the green lights.
We survive.
I immediately pass out with dreams too blurry and horrifying to retell.
The next morning, I wake to a kick in my side.
'Get up! Food!'
Just what I need.
Eggs and toast.
Recounting the night.
I guess after drinking Cisco, you're prone to a form of prison rape.
Aggressive, drunken, desirable, wanted, glorious.
I don't know what to think.
I just dont ever want to taste Cisco ever again in my life.

over the hill

2009-07-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, I've been going through a rebuilding of self. Health, substance abuse, mental adaptation and exploration, friends, family, and the inner me.
I've always been in tune with myself, keeping myself going strong, but for a few years I lost myself, lost my life, lost my friends...
I used to wonder what the purpose of anything was..drifting along in life, not knowing what to do, feeling inadequate in terms of survival...
I never knew what to say, what to do next, lead with my heart....i merely judged deep inside and perceived the world as it unfolded...and without a word understood.
It's taken nearly 9 months now to find the things I once enjoyed regularly, to laugh with an ease you dont find in many people, to see past the bad to a solution...
Now, at 25, I try to kid myself that I've got plenty of time. Bear in mind, I plan on living to 100...but quite a few of those latter years may be spent keeping ahead of death, so it would be lost time.
Nonetheless, I realize the limits of my time and prime. I worry that it's going to take too long...before you know it that exact space of time has passed and you regret the wasteful thinking.
It's been a summer of love and I dont think I could be much more comfortable in life...while a bowl of cereal right now would be great...
I keep thinking that if I was younger and was still wasting my time, I'd have just disappeared to Hawaii to surf for a few years....I used to use that thought to go "oh well, now it's too late." instead I try to turn it into desire and will for school, travel, and life.
now I only regret not going....but that's gotta pass at some point.
I'm as ready as I'll ever be, though.
If Chuck Norris can fight in the Korean War, get trained by Bruce Lee, and fuck Christie Brinkley at 69, then I'll give myself another 65 years before i lose it.

.future plan.

2009-07-13T23:11:00.001-07:00

For some time, I've been interested in the ridiculous..
But until I actually get around to doing it or pass my time dreaming about it..
a little something

coming soon to a high point near you

A word from Rudeboy

2009-07-09T02:40:00.000-07:00

Here's a guest piece by JAJ aka rudeboy

-Control was lost and the lights went out-

It's killing time, and i'm trying to kill some time

RUN
what are you running for?
i'm lazy

i feel safe not being here.
today i was here.but unavailable.... no i don't want to share.

you're out of time and i'm out of luck
i was ready to leave before i got here

don't rhyme don't reason
forget how to spell
if it's all fine then i'm raising hell

can't focus
i'm out of focus.

don't ask me that question
"i don't know" is my favorite answer
that's the one thing i do know

it's weird being looked down upon when most people have to look up to see my face

Stop looking back! look forward. to the sides
Down every street, awaits a bad decision.
and i'm full of them

so what are you waiting for.
get lost
get gone
pick a song, a book
leave your feet behind

bring a helmet
I am your future!
the praying starts now!

============

Breathe

2009-07-08T01:34:00.000-07:00

I remember walking down this street
Quietly crossing against a roar of traffic
I remember the signs neon aglow
The steam rising from the vents
Every time I step, I realize I still don't know
The years I will have to crack and grow
My eyes water deep and sadness consumes
I've seen many stories and lies
Quite a few have slipped by me
Shame I feel when I realize I've been had
I wish to be no fool, but a great man
I wish to be strong, keeping watch
I step into a puddle splashing away
I sigh, the fog rolling forth
I dream of peace, dream of ease
There is no rest for he who stands alert
In the shadows and on the front lines
The guardian on all sides
This is the only thing I am sure of
My mission to protect and safekeep
Those I love and keep close indefinite
As long as I am alive, I remember
I remember I will die trying

eye opener

2009-07-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

(it's already pulled by youtube...fuckers)

tuesday's batch of coffee:

if the video doesn't work:
Odd

writing out loud

2009-07-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

Ive been doing a bit of a spring cleaning and recently came upon these writings from my high school era. It's been 7 years since I've graduated and it's a bit of a shock to see how different I am from then.
Written after my first solo road trip the summer I got my license....it's a Wolfman classic.
Hope you enjoy.

*****
The road to San Francisco is long and hot
High through the mountains and down across farmland
A slaughterhouse is part of the scenery along the way
It reminds us, nay, it humbles our ego
Life is fleeting, short and beautiful
Akin to a billowing cloud of the blue sky
The dust rises high in the air, suffocating
Whither goest thou? it seems to ask
Make it like a dream, a fairyland
Once upon a time, we went far and wide
Now we are free to go anyplace
The sun does not set for anyone
Only for itself, to quench its savage might
To close your eyes as your dream plies
A hundred miles is a short distance
But your life, eternal and untiring
Never will it stop, until to dust you go
Our muscles strain, our bones creak
Every drop of sweat squeezes out
Fall to your knees upon the dying embers
Clenching fist and clawing at the air
Life is too tired to fight back
Now's our chance to win, to be victorious
Amidst the torment and pain
A soft embrace dissolves it all
Darkness falls upon the weary masses
Rolling across the black asphalt
We heed not their cries
Look up at the silvery moon
Does it not shine so brightly?
End this game and be done
Make it stop, make it stop
I can't feel myself anymore
Wrapped up in daily affairs
Throw away this veil over my eyes
We will walk very far
Til our shoes break down
Our limbs hang heavy
Our backs bent into our waist
Drooping lower and lower to the ground
At last, we can die
Peace from this dream, nightmare
Wish me away from here
Sobbing into my scorched palms
The scars never looked so clear
Ugly lines across my flesh
Raise your eyes toward the sky
The colors of the burning atmosphere
Behold, look upon this grand sight!
I dont ever want it to end
Just wish it gone, make it stop
Over and over and over
Good bye and hello
I've come and gone
Now I'm staying for good
But for how long?
As long as the sun rises
As long as the moon shines

******

now, i was able to rethink this as i typed it in...I remember what I was thinking when I originally wrote it and I was trying to convey something that wasn't really tragic or hateful.
But at my age now from then, it's incredible how the perspective and interpretation changes.

The F.E.D. gets involved

2009-07-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

This blog is a guest-blog.

The F.E.D. left this with me and kindly asked me to post.

No changes or alterations have been made.

It is typed just as written.

Happy reading!

Upon rising only darkness befell the world I inhabited.

"There it is!" I exclaimed, "The sun!"

"No," my friend said, "that's not the sun. What are you saying? What are you trying to prove? Are you an astronomer?"

"Of course not." I said. "Do you need to be an astronomer to recognize the Sun?"

"You're wasting your time." my friend said. "No one is going to believe that you saw the Sun, and even if they did, So What? You can't change the world, and people haven't seen the Sun,well, since most of them can remember."

"But look! My friend, don't you see the Sun?" I asked.

"No I don't believe I do, sorry, can't you just relax and have a good time?" he asked. "It's a holiday and everyone is out having fun without the Sun."

I closed my eyes and pinched myself to make sure I was awake. Slowly as I raised my eyes heavenward, sucking in a deep breath, I found the courage to open my eyes.

Yet there it was, hard to stare at for its brightness, but none the less right in front of my eyes.

"I'm going out now." I said to my friend. " I won't waste anymore of your time with my babblings about the Sun. I hope you have a safe and happy holiday. Perhaps I'll see you next week."

With that I left.

Although the street was clearly lit ahead of me, I could see nothing in front of my eyes, only darkness befell the world I inhabited.

F.E.D.

07-03-09

Can't stop the funk!

2009-07-05T00:14:00.000-07:00

Get the funk out ma face
Get the funk out ma face
Get the funk out ma face
Get the funk out ma face

You don't like my music
You don't have to use it
Funkin' is a thing that all of us release
You don't have to get it
All you do is let it
Then you'll know exactly how to groove

You don't like my music
You don't have to use it
Funkin' is a thing that all of us release

You don't have to play it
You don't have to say it
You don't even have to try to sing it

Get the funk out ma face
Get the funk out ma face
Get the funk out ma face
Get the funk out ma face

You don't like my music
You don't have to use it
Funkin' is a thing that all of us release

You don't have to get it
All you do is let it
Then tell us our funk did you some good

Fail

2009-06-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

Ok...the photo blog ambition has been ultimate fail.
I really thought I was going to have the time and resources to pursue this attempt but I had no idea how hard it would be to filter through the 4000+ pictures i've taken so far. I've been residing in Vancouver/Seattle the last few days and even then...no luck.
I apologize to all of you who read this (note: 3 people) but I'll post pics when I return instead...and have the creative chops to dazzle your brain with some amazing sights the Great American* land.

I've had many thoughts, feelings, and revelations throughout this trip.
I've fallen off the wagon with my drinking but it'll pass when I return.
I realized I have a tweaker inside of me. I need to strangle it.

This trip has made me realize all the more how much I really need to move from my current location and experience something different....maybe life in the city.
In the past, i used to chide and smother any thoughts of city life...but as i get older and gaining renewed interest in scholarly ambitions, I really feel more at home in a bustling, pedestrian killing, people cramming zone.
I think it'll be good.

To all my folks back home, I miss you all.
I can't wait to see you.
My friend recently bestowed upon me some glorious news...I cant say it yet...but I will tell you, I have never dropped my phone before upon receiving news good or bad...and I dropped it three stories off the balcony only to have it get lost in the bushes, which i regrettably had to dig through in my clean duds.

More on this.

*Sometimes I couldn't tell the difference between Canada and US along the border routes...also we crossed state lines several times in Wyoming/Montana/Idaho. It was puzzling.
Manifest Destiny, my ass.

Road Trip beginnings

2009-06-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

On May 16th, i'm going to depart for 2-3 week road trip through Yellowstone, Mt. Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Badlands, Glacier National Park, Manning Park, Vancouver, San Francisco(Fuck Seattle), Yosemite, Home.

As I'll be bringing my laptop with me and with my new camera gear, I hope to fill your world with awe.

The End.

...exhale...

2009-05-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

If you're ever in Costa Mesa and you see a late 90s Chevrolet truck, give him the finger.

My friend and I were out by this property where the Hollywood Video used to be. It was closed down, boarded up, set up for sale....You'd think nobody would mind us skating and getting some pictures.
This old guy pulls up in an oldish chevy and starts telling us that he owns the property and that he'll send a picture of my license plate to the cops if we don't get out of there right away. We were stunned at first by this random intrusion....then, we just got in the truck and pulled away.
However, as we were leaving, C-dog told me that he already took a picture of my license plate.
Pissed, I whipped the truck around, blew across the parking lot, parked in front of him, casually walked out and around his truck, and took a picture of his plate. More to piss him off than anger, as I was taking the picture and walking back, he was screaming at me "Come on, you fucker! You think it's fucking funny taking a picture of my plate? I'll fucking get you, you little fucking bastard!"

Yeah.

Well, we gave up on that spot...we cruised around looking for something epic...nothing was to be found.
Ended up going to Teawinkle Park.
If any of you know Teawinkle Park, you'll know that there's a high chance of a suicidal murdering homeless man drifting around in there...or at least, my luck was that bad.
Maybe a story for another time.

I let my friend warm up for a while before even taking any shots.
It was a bit of an off day for both of us. My shots weren't tying together and his tricks weren't linking properly.

.

Get off my back.
It's been confusing.
Long day.
Driving.
Mile after mile.
Parched lips.
Forgot my water at home. Too stubborn to pull off.
damn
Pack a bowl.
burn
Thoughts come together. Figure out the purpose.
Back and forth all day. The smallest things tend to be the most difficult.
Finally free.
Beyond free.
gone
It's good to be home.
Alone in the darkness.
Almost confusing.
destined for greatness

I look forward to the coming months.
Life's slow and needlessly drawn out.
I look forward to an amazing life.

pack.
burn.
exhale.
sleep.

At least, it's Wednesday

2009-05-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

Transcript

jdf: wednesday night?
dw: shit box
dw: haha
jdf: seriously.
jdf: i'm watching lethal weapon 3
jdf: it's funny as shit.
dw: haha
dw: so lame
dw: fucking danny glover
jdf: rene russo and mel gibson
dw: fucking aussie fuck gibson
dw: haha
jdf: fucking danny glover
jdf: hahahahahaha
jdf: in this one, danny glover is drinking his woes away..and his woes happen to be him capping his sons friend
dw: hahaha
dw: some heavy woes right there
jdf: woe is he...
dw: ah man
jdf: you catch the game tonight?
dw: at least the Lakers won

Brotherly fallout

2009-05-23T15:13:00.001-07:00

Things have been interesting the last few weeks.
Hard hit issues.
Personality dilemmas.
Financial resolution.
Hunger.
Rage boiling over.
It's really hard to process things sometimes. I've been lost for a while. Can't make decisions on simple things. Can't accept the consequences. No way of being sane and sensible when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart.
Sometimes, it seems like all is lost.

Makes you want to disappear. Hide. Drown the feelings and thoughts with something.
No more.
Choices like these are prime traps for weakness.
I feel like I'm only getting stronger and my family is getting weaker.
They let themselves get dragged down by the weakness of one member.
Let him go. Let him suffer. Let him learn. Let him realize that life isn't to be chased away, veiled from truth, and wasted on trivial things.
Sadness.
It might be the only way to get the message across.
My fucking brother.

I dont know what to say about him.
I love him.
All I have for him is anger.
From out of his mouth, the truth and sincerity (at least I thought it was) seemed to reassure no more fuckups. No more slips. Finally...things can be at ease...

The time isn't right.
Maybe now, maybe not....

You think you can get your years back....but you won't.
You can only appreciate the now and future.

Hopefully....not all is lost.
Maybe see him in a few years.
Who knows?

Fuck.

In the woods...

2009-05-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

The last few days/weeks, I've been needing some questions answered. Some feelings validated. A reconnection with the earth was desired. It seems that as we get older, we have fewer friends and occasions to meet or celebrate, and a seemingly lack of thrilling endeavors. The only way I figured this was to be done was to hike off into the middle of the woods, chaparral notwithstanding, and consume shrooms and dance with the animals.
It took us a good hour or slightly over to get to the final stop. It wasn't the original landing destination but we couldn't press any further due to overgrowth of the trail and a hidden rattlesnake warning us of its presence. As the only clear spot to camp, we set up right in the middle of a dry pond teeming with spiders, boater bugs, mosquitoes, salamanders, and ringed/speckled lizards.
As the sun started to dip down over the ridge, we decided then it was the opportune time to consume shrooms and await our journey. We stood there talking about all sorts of things when, out of the corners of our eyes, the hallucinations began. My world took on a sudden transformation of oozing, bubbling lichen on the rocks, skulls in the scum of the leftover pond water, intense beautiful aurora-like color changes to the lights in the sky, and feelings of euphoria, contemplation, and fascination overtook me.
After about 30-45 minutes, I had this overwhelming need to hole up in my sleeping bag and close my eyes, looking at the stars/sunset every so often to check back with reality.
The next hour or so turned into a magical, seamless, flying journey through my mind. I asked myself a certain question to see if I could unlock the answer through a series of ideas/feelings/memories/deeper connections.
As I travelled through the abyss that is my mind, I encountered visions and thoughts that were inexplicably linked somehow in so many ways that I was able to jump from memory/idea/thought to another back and forth and to so many tangents. It allowed for me to open doors or fly through walls to the next concept until finally all thoughts were cohesive and linked and the answer appeared to me in the form of a vision and a feeling.
At one point, I started getting overwhelmed by the visuals that I abruptly leapt up from my sleeping bag and got out of the tent....to a darkness made darker only by my visual impairment...
I wandered off a few feet in the darkness using only the moon and stars to guide my search for wood. After a lot of stumbling and tripping and getting my foot wedged between some rocks, i was able to bring back a pile suitable for an hour or two of fire.
It was exceedingly difficult in waves to focus and stack and blow on the embers to bring the fire back to life...but as it was a success, it brought me back down to Earth to calm and relax my soul from the journey Im on.....
However, it was far from over.
After huddling around the fire for what seemed like 30-45 minutes, I got this sense of aloneness....I realized that there's a mountain lion on the prowl, out in the dark, poor hearing, shrooming, I just got up extremely quick and bolted for the tent.
My friend was on his own trip holed up in his sleeping bag, but when i got his attention, I fell back in surprise.
When he looked at me, he had 4 eyes, a prominent unibrow, and long flowing dreads that looked as if a waterfall existed inside of them. Whenever he walked around after that, I saw him as that figure with a glowing aura around him as if he was a god.
I ended up curling back up in my sleeping bag, watching the stars through the seethrough top of the tent. I just tried to close my eyes and let myself sleep if that was to happen...I cant really describe what I saw in the next hour or so of the final end of the trip, but I was seeing the most beautiful visions, colors, and hearing music in my head. I felt the earth's pulse. There was a deep beat and music that seemed to come from the ground. It made me wonder if that kind of thing is inherent in those of the land, i.e. Native Americans, Aborigines, etc. It made me really appreciate their connection and love to the land. Makes you wonder...what life could really be like if we had that...the ability to survive, connect, and flourish in a wild world.
the only thing I would change about the whole experience is to have a little music in the background and the fact that we slept on rocks in the middle of a pond....as there was no other suitable sites to camp.

The next morning, when I woke up, back to reality, I spent an hour or so around a fresh fire organizing my thoughts and feelings. I truly felt refreshed and renewed. It's not something you can do all the time...yet people do. Sad.

Whenever I have a crisis or a burning question in my head that I can not for the life of me clear out of my system, I think a view to the alternate reality is an occasional must.
For me, I truly feel back in touch.
It's all I have to say.