...Ezra...

These months have been some of the longest I've known in some time. Time flew by quite fast but the daily events went by at a crawl. Never did I think that I would resurface from my grief, even with the support and love of my family. There wasn't much for me to say in all this time, even at the urging and encouragement of my woman. I had lost my brother, a person riddled with pain and misgivings, for whom has watched over me for many years. Through all our ups and downs, we came together at the very end.

What a bitter ending...

But out of one chapter in life, a new one must begin. Am I wrong to assume that I can move forward one day? I surely hope that is inherent in me. If that were not the case, I would be in some serious trouble. My son grows every day, at such a rapid rate, that I don't even feel pain so much, let alone mourn for my lost brother. Each day is a new change, a new sound, a stronger step, and my son is already standing, albeit with assistance, in front of me.

Where has time gone?

My boy, whom I've given his middle name from my lost brother, reminds me of the future, the things to be had. When he smiles, I cannot help but smile. When he falls, I must hold him close and teach him to be strong. There is so much more to come and each day, while exhausting, gets easier. There is still a little part of me that will never let things go, the fact that my brother, whom I love so dearly, will not get to see his namesake grow.This pain will never escape me, but I want my son to know him still. In all these months since the last posting, I've felt a presence that has been unmistakable. I don't know what to believe, what to think, but I tell myself that I'm crazy or seeing things. Often, I see my brother in a flash, only to double take, and he is no longer there.

I wish he could return to me, to us.

However, as far as life goes, I try to keep my head up, even when I feel low, so that I am a pillar of strength to those around me. I fail miserably on many of these days but it could be far worse. I could be deep in a sinkhole, a place of no return, where many men have lost their souls. Yet, the light shines bright and every day becomes a little easier. My only hope is that I get my strength back so that I may stand tall against the next calamity.

I must become unbreakable.

Brotherly fallout

Things have been interesting the last few weeks.
Hard hit issues.
Personality dilemmas.
Financial resolution.
Hunger.
Rage boiling over.
It's really hard to process things sometimes. I've been lost for a while. Can't make decisions on simple things. Can't accept the consequences. No way of being sane and sensible when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart.
Sometimes, it seems like all is lost.

Makes you want to disappear. Hide. Drown the feelings and thoughts with something.
No more.
Choices like these are prime traps for weakness.
I feel like I'm only getting stronger and my family is getting weaker.
They let themselves get dragged down by the weakness of one member.
Let him go. Let him suffer. Let him learn. Let him realize that life isn't to be chased away, veiled from truth, and wasted on trivial things.
Sadness.
It might be the only way to get the message across.
My fucking brother.

I dont know what to say about him.
I love him.
All I have for him is anger.
From out of his mouth, the truth and sincerity (at least I thought it was) seemed to reassure no more fuckups. No more slips. Finally...things can be at ease...

The time isn't right.
Maybe now, maybe not....

You think you can get your years back....but you won't.
You can only appreciate the now and future.

Hopefully....not all is lost.
Maybe see him in a few years.
Who knows?

Fuck.