...progress in acceptance...

Dear Dr. William House,

    In light of my growth process and realization of the things that matter in my life, I have come to an apex in a life cycle. It’s been about 21 years since I’ve had my cochlear implant and it has been a miraculous means of support and survival for me. The road has been bumpy and filled with every kind of up and down you can imagine, but it wouldn’t have been as special as it was without you. I regret the immaturity in my appreciation for these things over the years and wish I would have said a few words more here and there, at the very least, to show you the happiness you gave me. I recently picked up a National Geographic showcasing the bionic advances in today’s technology and it showed a child with a double implantation. It was amazing to see the differences and capabilities offered to people nowadays.

As fate would have it, I was at an ultrasound appointment last week with my better half to find out the age of our unborn child and there it hit me. There was a little boy with a double implantation and mildly autistic. His parents told me that he got implanted by the House Ear Institute and it was such a joy to see him able to communicate with his family. However, something I’ve gained in the years of my toeing the line in deaf/not being deaf in being able to read people’s faces, eyes, and expressions. I could see the sadness and nearly lost hope in his eyes, despite his improvement. He was limited in his ability to communicate due to his autism, but his eyes spoke of his hope and despair all at once. I knew these feelings as a child, but they diminished as I grew up and developed my abilities as far as they can go. It was an exceptionally profound moment that kickstarted my mind to a place I wish I had attained at a younger age. I realized my inability(note: stubbornness) to accept being deaf due to my being brought closer to normalcy had been holding me back in some ways, but allowed me to grow in other ways. I realize now is the time for another change in my life. I needed to thank you in so many words for doing this for me. For being a strong supporter in my life and those like me. I saw that child and felt the need to help him since not many could truly understand him on his level. I have started the process of creating a foundation to hand pick children akin to me to, hopefully one day, help them from start to finish in their education, therapy, aid, and life. I do not want another to experience the pain or struggles I went through, small or large. It may have been the experiences that made me stronger but, also, they were the ones that made me harbor a slight bitterness along with extreme joy when I think about it.

Then, the next revelation occurred to me. I write this as I sit in my bed freshly woken up from a dream. I was dreaming that we were meeting for a talk about life and the changes that have been made. You told me the positive progress and I expressed my anxieties the new technology offered. Mainly, it is due to the fear of surgery again and, possibly, again. I have a slight trepidation to starting all over, even with a supposedly incredibly new implant or design. Yet, I feel the need to have a moral push to accept it for a better me. I woke up in tears as I realized how long it has been, how immature I have been, and how much you have done.

I can only say it in so many words.
Thank you for everything. I wouldn’t have traded anything for it. It brought me to where I am, to allow me to hear the beautiful sounds in life, and meet the person I’m going to raise my family with. I can say this with all my heart, as sincerely as possible, that you are my savior and my beacon in this storm.

Thank you.

With all my love and best regards,




JDF

...contemplation...

It has finally happened. The long waiting period, the changes necessary, and the growth mentally. After puttering around the first half or so of 2009, I'm finally cracking the books. Constantly checking my schedule for homework, reading up on my material, and writing papers. The first week or so was a stumbling block. I felt like I couldn't sit still to do enough work. I couldn't approach the thought processes necessary to write in different perspectives. It was the rust on my brain holding me back. The 7 years since high school gone stale. Then, just a few days ago, I found my space and rhythm. It's been a smooth ride since. I'm beginning to relish the challenge and I'm beginning to want more than they can offer this semester.
Now, practically mid-coitus with another transitional phase, I'm merely biding my time. I wont be here in the OC much longer will all you folks. I know it's a sad thing leaving, but the grip of the bubble will fade soon enough. The day I leave OC, add some miles between me and her, and settle in my new territory, I will be able to sigh and sink in my chair. I will truly miss all my friends and family, but who is to live my life?
I had a dream last night that I was packing up and all my friends were there watching me. Nobody was helping, which was odd, because it was at the same time I was trying to load up the heaviest items. They were all expressionless, but numbered, and I could only look back as I was in the process and see the lack of emotion. Then, I realized, they didn't even have faces. They were just figures, shells of themselves, not even souls. I, then, turned to my truck and realized it was overflowing and I was about to be beset by my own furniture. It came tumbling, crashing, splintering, and crushing me. I lay there on the driveway, the hard blacktop, and I looked up from my place. They had moved closer and were leaning in. Yet, no faces. Silhouettes and outlines surrounded me. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't reach. They were coming for me. Their hands reached out and got closer until the light blotted out from their palms. It became very dark and I closed my eyes to let it be swift. Then, nothing. I finally wake up in my own bed with both arms straight out in front of me to stop the hands. The hands of my friends coming for my soul.
Is that what it was?