...eaten by a bear...

Where are the words going? My mind is empty and expansive. There is nothing much to be said at this moment. As far as I know, the ocean is right outside my doorstep. I cannot contemplate the mysteries of life tonight. I am at an utter standstill complete with befuddlement. What were the people like back when there was no TV, CD players, and other forms of instant media? I feel like I should step outside and sit idly and watch the stars(illusion) move. Is it possible I may have lost it? Corrosion of character and train of thought? Things get ever so complex at an alarming rate with each passing day but we are still live and fighting. Sometimes, it doesn't make sense in the least. Contemplating the various paths one could take is terrifying, even unreal, to me as I have to learn to think of myself last, even in the most trivial of pursuits. When do I find myself capable of being selfish without harm? There may never be that moment ever again. As much as I would like to experience the grit and ruggedness of a distant far-flung region, I cannot allow myself to be in the throes of adventure and near-death. Grow a beard while traversing the great land of China, raft down the Amazon River, or drink kava with Fijians. These all sound awfully appealing, yet I cannot nor do I want to think of doing a thing without my better half or my children. I would not be so absurd as to endanger either one of those close to me but, sometimes, my wanderlust may get to me. I merely want to take a walk in the woods, deep inside, to an isolated meadow where I may lay my head. Reality may snap me back like a whip but I dream until the day I can scramble up a switchback becomes a reality. I cannot wait to breathe in mountain air and eat wild strawberries. I cannot wait to dip my feet in an ice cold snowmelt. I wish to feel the sun warm my face high above the world. I hear the word "bear" and I instantly imagine myself in a battle for life. I see the sun glinting upon the ocean and I see myself, knee high, in a river stalking rainbow trout. At night, my dreams grow so vivid I cannot remember details quite as clearly but remember the depth of the emotions. I open my eyes and I am back home laying in my bed.

....I may be losing my mind

...dream within a dream...

I was walking down the green fields
Saw a bright light flash over the sky
My steps were mired in mud
Dragging the earth with me
A burning brightness seared the clouds
The wind blew hurt into my face
Screaming, howling, whipping
My eyes were closed as I ran
Clutching my chest to feel my beat
I was empty inside, a shell of nothing
The sun touched down and shattered
I swore I could pick up the pieces
They only laughed at me and melted away
Everything I ever hated in a puddle
The sky was now dark and quiet
I could see my reflection even in blackness
I stood for many days and nights
Stood still like stone til I cracked
The anxieties and sadness rippling away
Then, the earth opened up and swallowed me
I was consumed by dirt and corpses
I sank into darkness again
I laid there under earth biding my time
I dreamed inside of my dream
I begged and begged to be free
Yet, still as a stone I lay
Then, a hand reached in and grabbed mine
Pulled me free from my earthly tomb
I had no voice to gasp or speak
I fell to my knees and looked up
I could not see a person or spirit
As I looked into the night sky
I think to myself, was I dreaming?
How I have these dreams within dreams
Worlds beyond galaxies and imagination
I shake my thoughts and get to my feet
It was not the world I was taken from
I walked on into the alien landscape
With some sort of purpose I wander
What felt like eternity was only a few blinks
I walked and walked and walked
My chest became heavy and tired
I wished to stop and sleep
I felt there was no end to this nightmare
I laid down upon the desert sand and look!
The sky was a dazzling kaleidoscope
Filled with beautiful colors and shapes
I laughed at myself for dreaming such ridiculousness
My eyes grew heavy and the colors persisted
I could no longer relent and I slipped away
I dreamed for what seemed like ages
and I opened my eyes and groaned
I was home all along.