Mouthgasm

As the days get shorter, the clock runs slower. There is no sense in all of this. However, I find that as I come to realize my calling, my purpose, and unite that with my necessities and responsibilities, I face frustration. I am, in my thinking, pathetic and weak-minded as I try to tell myself that I am capable of so much. This happens to me because I don't seem to be able to grasp certain key fundamentals necessary for life.

What does life require of someone, anyone?

There is some sense to this madness that a person must conform to a standard or system, but to what extent? How is it that some people can simply make things work, in any area of life, and come out on top  or, at least, in a favorable position? Does one have to be cutthroat, cunning, or cooperative? I feel that I cannot seem to find my place due to indecisiveness through important stages in life and an untimely realization of passion.

Can that passion be harnessed?

By the beard of Zeus, I will be damned if I don't end my life slaving over a hot stove!

I realized that I live for the mastery of edible ingredients and I drive people mad with my obsession. This obsession borders on manic as I strive to create mouthgasmic dishes. In my life, there is a limit on what can be done in terms of free-wheeling and exploration as I have children demanding my attention and care, but I have found a way that will allow me to hone my skills while embracing my love. The only issue is that I may have to put the budding ambition on hold until financial bliss grants me the opportunity to bless the mouths of many.

So, in all of this, how is this going to vault me into the ranks of millions(or many, many thousands) that find a place in life suitable for success of sorts?

...eaten by a bear...

Where are the words going? My mind is empty and expansive. There is nothing much to be said at this moment. As far as I know, the ocean is right outside my doorstep. I cannot contemplate the mysteries of life tonight. I am at an utter standstill complete with befuddlement. What were the people like back when there was no TV, CD players, and other forms of instant media? I feel like I should step outside and sit idly and watch the stars(illusion) move. Is it possible I may have lost it? Corrosion of character and train of thought? Things get ever so complex at an alarming rate with each passing day but we are still live and fighting. Sometimes, it doesn't make sense in the least. Contemplating the various paths one could take is terrifying, even unreal, to me as I have to learn to think of myself last, even in the most trivial of pursuits. When do I find myself capable of being selfish without harm? There may never be that moment ever again. As much as I would like to experience the grit and ruggedness of a distant far-flung region, I cannot allow myself to be in the throes of adventure and near-death. Grow a beard while traversing the great land of China, raft down the Amazon River, or drink kava with Fijians. These all sound awfully appealing, yet I cannot nor do I want to think of doing a thing without my better half or my children. I would not be so absurd as to endanger either one of those close to me but, sometimes, my wanderlust may get to me. I merely want to take a walk in the woods, deep inside, to an isolated meadow where I may lay my head. Reality may snap me back like a whip but I dream until the day I can scramble up a switchback becomes a reality. I cannot wait to breathe in mountain air and eat wild strawberries. I cannot wait to dip my feet in an ice cold snowmelt. I wish to feel the sun warm my face high above the world. I hear the word "bear" and I instantly imagine myself in a battle for life. I see the sun glinting upon the ocean and I see myself, knee high, in a river stalking rainbow trout. At night, my dreams grow so vivid I cannot remember details quite as clearly but remember the depth of the emotions. I open my eyes and I am back home laying in my bed.

....I may be losing my mind

...Ezra...

These months have been some of the longest I've known in some time. Time flew by quite fast but the daily events went by at a crawl. Never did I think that I would resurface from my grief, even with the support and love of my family. There wasn't much for me to say in all this time, even at the urging and encouragement of my woman. I had lost my brother, a person riddled with pain and misgivings, for whom has watched over me for many years. Through all our ups and downs, we came together at the very end.

What a bitter ending...

But out of one chapter in life, a new one must begin. Am I wrong to assume that I can move forward one day? I surely hope that is inherent in me. If that were not the case, I would be in some serious trouble. My son grows every day, at such a rapid rate, that I don't even feel pain so much, let alone mourn for my lost brother. Each day is a new change, a new sound, a stronger step, and my son is already standing, albeit with assistance, in front of me.

Where has time gone?

My boy, whom I've given his middle name from my lost brother, reminds me of the future, the things to be had. When he smiles, I cannot help but smile. When he falls, I must hold him close and teach him to be strong. There is so much more to come and each day, while exhausting, gets easier. There is still a little part of me that will never let things go, the fact that my brother, whom I love so dearly, will not get to see his namesake grow.This pain will never escape me, but I want my son to know him still. In all these months since the last posting, I've felt a presence that has been unmistakable. I don't know what to believe, what to think, but I tell myself that I'm crazy or seeing things. Often, I see my brother in a flash, only to double take, and he is no longer there.

I wish he could return to me, to us.

However, as far as life goes, I try to keep my head up, even when I feel low, so that I am a pillar of strength to those around me. I fail miserably on many of these days but it could be far worse. I could be deep in a sinkhole, a place of no return, where many men have lost their souls. Yet, the light shines bright and every day becomes a little easier. My only hope is that I get my strength back so that I may stand tall against the next calamity.

I must become unbreakable.