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Thursday, May 28, 2009

...exhale...

If you're ever in Costa Mesa and you see a late 90s Chevrolet truck, give him the finger.


My friend and I were out by this property where the Hollywood Video used to be. It was closed down, boarded up, set up for sale....You'd think nobody would mind us skating and getting some pictures.
This old guy pulls up in an oldish chevy and starts telling us that he owns the property and that he'll send a picture of my license plate to the cops if we don't get out of there right away. We were stunned at first by this random intrusion....then, we just got in the truck and pulled away.
However, as we were leaving, C-dog told me that he already took a picture of my license plate.
Pissed, I whipped the truck around, blew across the parking lot, parked in front of him, casually walked out and around his truck, and took a picture of his plate. More to piss him off than anger, as I was taking the picture and walking back, he was screaming at me "Come on, you fucker! You think it's fucking funny taking a picture of my plate? I'll fucking get you, you little fucking bastard!"

Yeah.

Well, we gave up on that spot...we cruised around looking for something epic...nothing was to be found.
Ended up going to Teawinkle Park.
If any of you know Teawinkle Park, you'll know that there's a high chance of a suicidal murdering homeless man drifting around in there...or at least, my luck was that bad.
Maybe a story for another time.

I let my friend warm up for a while before even taking any shots.
It was a bit of an off day for both of us. My shots weren't tying together and his tricks weren't linking properly.


.


















Get off my back.
It's been confusing.
Long day.
Driving.
Mile after mile.
Parched lips.
Forgot my water at home. Too stubborn to pull off.
damn
Pack a bowl.
burn
Thoughts come together. Figure out the purpose.
Back and forth all day. The smallest things tend to be the most difficult.
Finally free.
Beyond free.
gone
It's good to be home.
Alone in the darkness.
Almost confusing.
destined for greatness

I look forward to the coming months.
Life's slow and needlessly drawn out.
I look forward to an amazing life.

pack.
burn.
exhale.
sleep.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

At least, it's Wednesday

Transcript

jdf: wednesday night?
dw: shit box
dw: haha
jdf: seriously.
jdf: i'm watching lethal weapon 3
jdf: it's funny as shit.
dw: haha
dw: so lame
dw: fucking danny glover
jdf: rene russo and mel gibson
dw: fucking aussie fuck gibson
dw: haha
jdf: fucking danny glover
jdf: hahahahahaha
jdf: in this one, danny glover is drinking his woes away..and his woes happen to be him capping his sons friend
dw: hahaha
dw: some heavy woes right there
jdf: woe is he...
dw: ah man
jdf: you catch the game tonight?
dw: at least the Lakers won

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Brotherly fallout

Things have been interesting the last few weeks.
Hard hit issues.
Personality dilemmas.
Financial resolution.
Hunger.
Rage boiling over.
It's really hard to process things sometimes. I've been lost for a while. Can't make decisions on simple things. Can't accept the consequences. No way of being sane and sensible when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart.
Sometimes, it seems like all is lost.

Makes you want to disappear. Hide. Drown the feelings and thoughts with something.
No more.
Choices like these are prime traps for weakness.
I feel like I'm only getting stronger and my family is getting weaker.
They let themselves get dragged down by the weakness of one member.
Let him go. Let him suffer. Let him learn. Let him realize that life isn't to be chased away, veiled from truth, and wasted on trivial things.
Sadness.
It might be the only way to get the message across.
My fucking brother.

I dont know what to say about him.
I love him.
All I have for him is anger.
From out of his mouth, the truth and sincerity (at least I thought it was) seemed to reassure no more fuckups. No more slips. Finally...things can be at ease...

The time isn't right.
Maybe now, maybe not....

You think you can get your years back....but you won't.
You can only appreciate the now and future.

Hopefully....not all is lost.
Maybe see him in a few years.
Who knows?

Fuck.

Monday, May 11, 2009

In the woods...

The last few days/weeks, I've been needing some questions answered. Some feelings validated. A reconnection with the earth was desired. It seems that as we get older, we have fewer friends and occasions to meet or celebrate, and a seemingly lack of thrilling endeavors. The only way I figured this was to be done was to hike off into the middle of the woods, chaparral notwithstanding, and consume shrooms and dance with the animals.
It took us a good hour or slightly over to get to the final stop. It wasn't the original landing destination but we couldn't press any further due to overgrowth of the trail and a hidden rattlesnake warning us of its presence. As the only clear spot to camp, we set up right in the middle of a dry pond teeming with spiders, boater bugs, mosquitoes, salamanders, and ringed/speckled lizards.
As the sun started to dip down over the ridge, we decided then it was the opportune time to consume shrooms and await our journey. We stood there talking about all sorts of things when, out of the corners of our eyes, the hallucinations began. My world took on a sudden transformation of oozing, bubbling lichen on the rocks, skulls in the scum of the leftover pond water, intense beautiful aurora-like color changes to the lights in the sky, and feelings of euphoria, contemplation, and fascination overtook me.
After about 30-45 minutes, I had this overwhelming need to hole up in my sleeping bag and close my eyes, looking at the stars/sunset every so often to check back with reality.
The next hour or so turned into a magical, seamless, flying journey through my mind. I asked myself a certain question to see if I could unlock the answer through a series of ideas/feelings/memories/deeper connections.
As I travelled through the abyss that is my mind, I encountered visions and thoughts that were inexplicably linked somehow in so many ways that I was able to jump from memory/idea/thought to another back and forth and to so many tangents. It allowed for me to open doors or fly through walls to the next concept until finally all thoughts were cohesive and linked and the answer appeared to me in the form of a vision and a feeling.
At one point, I started getting overwhelmed by the visuals that I abruptly leapt up from my sleeping bag and got out of the tent....to a darkness made darker only by my visual impairment...
I wandered off a few feet in the darkness using only the moon and stars to guide my search for wood. After a lot of stumbling and tripping and getting my foot wedged between some rocks, i was able to bring back a pile suitable for an hour or two of fire.
It was exceedingly difficult in waves to focus and stack and blow on the embers to bring the fire back to life...but as it was a success, it brought me back down to Earth to calm and relax my soul from the journey Im on.....
However, it was far from over.
After huddling around the fire for what seemed like 30-45 minutes, I got this sense of aloneness....I realized that there's a mountain lion on the prowl, out in the dark, poor hearing, shrooming, I just got up extremely quick and bolted for the tent.
My friend was on his own trip holed up in his sleeping bag, but when i got his attention, I fell back in surprise.
When he looked at me, he had 4 eyes, a prominent unibrow, and long flowing dreads that looked as if a waterfall existed inside of them. Whenever he walked around after that, I saw him as that figure with a glowing aura around him as if he was a god.
I ended up curling back up in my sleeping bag, watching the stars through the seethrough top of the tent. I just tried to close my eyes and let myself sleep if that was to happen...I cant really describe what I saw in the next hour or so of the final end of the trip, but I was seeing the most beautiful visions, colors, and hearing music in my head. I felt the earth's pulse. There was a deep beat and music that seemed to come from the ground. It made me wonder if that kind of thing is inherent in those of the land, i.e. Native Americans, Aborigines, etc. It made me really appreciate their connection and love to the land. Makes you wonder...what life could really be like if we had that...the ability to survive, connect, and flourish in a wild world.
the only thing I would change about the whole experience is to have a little music in the background and the fact that we slept on rocks in the middle of a pond....as there was no other suitable sites to camp.

The next morning, when I woke up, back to reality, I spent an hour or so around a fresh fire organizing my thoughts and feelings. I truly felt refreshed and renewed. It's not something you can do all the time...yet people do. Sad.

Whenever I have a crisis or a burning question in my head that I can not for the life of me clear out of my system, I think a view to the alternate reality is an occasional must.
For me, I truly feel back in touch.
It's all I have to say.