Shit....I didn't realize it had been this long, yet again, since I had posted anything. Time is a fickle thing and easy to lose track of, at that, in which I kept putting things off, day after day. I'm actively dealing with family life, full-time engineering school, and finding a balance in my head that I cannot seem to achieve. Some people seem to have this drive that propels them forward with such ferocity, they may be ignoring something much more paramount. In a push for success, be it in the workplace, family setting, or otherwise, someone or something has to suffer or be neglected. I don't believe I have that kind of aggressive drive in which all around me are simply miserable pawns and I am tormenting them with my selfish pursuits.
Ever since my brother's passing, I've lost a lot of myself. I may have my toddler son to keep me in check, but something deep inside me stirs....or rather, the thing inside tears at me. I feel that I may not be in control of my emotions and inner insecurities. I cannot watch a movie, even the cheesy Disney/animated flicks, depicting father/son or brothers in some truly tragic episode without breaking down. I can hold back the floodgates for only so long but, eventually, they shatter like the levees of New Orleans.
I'm hoping this short piece will simply be my venting as a means to break out on the "blogging" scene(who even calls it that anymore?) and finding a channel to exercise my wordology.
I don't know...
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Mouthgasm
As the days get shorter, the clock runs slower. There is no sense in all of this. However, I find that as I come to realize my calling, my purpose, and unite that with my necessities and responsibilities, I face frustration. I am, in my thinking, pathetic and weak-minded as I try to tell myself that I am capable of so much. This happens to me because I don't seem to be able to grasp certain key fundamentals necessary for life.
What does life require of someone, anyone?
There is some sense to this madness that a person must conform to a standard or system, but to what extent? How is it that some people can simply make things work, in any area of life, and come out on top or, at least, in a favorable position? Does one have to be cutthroat, cunning, or cooperative? I feel that I cannot seem to find my place due to indecisiveness through important stages in life and an untimely realization of passion.
Can that passion be harnessed?
By the beard of Zeus, I will be damned if I don't end my life slaving over a hot stove!
I realized that I live for the mastery of edible ingredients and I drive people mad with my obsession. This obsession borders on manic as I strive to create mouthgasmic dishes. In my life, there is a limit on what can be done in terms of free-wheeling and exploration as I have children demanding my attention and care, but I have found a way that will allow me to hone my skills while embracing my love. The only issue is that I may have to put the budding ambition on hold until financial bliss grants me the opportunity to bless the mouths of many.
So, in all of this, how is this going to vault me into the ranks of millions(or many, many thousands) that find a place in life suitable for success of sorts?
What does life require of someone, anyone?
There is some sense to this madness that a person must conform to a standard or system, but to what extent? How is it that some people can simply make things work, in any area of life, and come out on top or, at least, in a favorable position? Does one have to be cutthroat, cunning, or cooperative? I feel that I cannot seem to find my place due to indecisiveness through important stages in life and an untimely realization of passion.
Can that passion be harnessed?
By the beard of Zeus, I will be damned if I don't end my life slaving over a hot stove!
I realized that I live for the mastery of edible ingredients and I drive people mad with my obsession. This obsession borders on manic as I strive to create mouthgasmic dishes. In my life, there is a limit on what can be done in terms of free-wheeling and exploration as I have children demanding my attention and care, but I have found a way that will allow me to hone my skills while embracing my love. The only issue is that I may have to put the budding ambition on hold until financial bliss grants me the opportunity to bless the mouths of many.
So, in all of this, how is this going to vault me into the ranks of millions(or many, many thousands) that find a place in life suitable for success of sorts?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
...eaten by a bear...
Where are the words going? My mind is empty and expansive. There is nothing much to be said at this moment. As far as I know, the ocean is right outside my doorstep. I cannot contemplate the mysteries of life tonight. I am at an utter standstill complete with befuddlement. What were the people like back when there was no TV, CD players, and other forms of instant media? I feel like I should step outside and sit idly and watch the stars(illusion) move. Is it possible I may have lost it? Corrosion of character and train of thought? Things get ever so complex at an alarming rate with each passing day but we are still live and fighting. Sometimes, it doesn't make sense in the least. Contemplating the various paths one could take is terrifying, even unreal, to me as I have to learn to think of myself last, even in the most trivial of pursuits. When do I find myself capable of being selfish without harm? There may never be that moment ever again. As much as I would like to experience the grit and ruggedness of a distant far-flung region, I cannot allow myself to be in the throes of adventure and near-death. Grow a beard while traversing the great land of China, raft down the Amazon River, or drink kava with Fijians. These all sound awfully appealing, yet I cannot nor do I want to think of doing a thing without my better half or my children. I would not be so absurd as to endanger either one of those close to me but, sometimes, my wanderlust may get to me. I merely want to take a walk in the woods, deep inside, to an isolated meadow where I may lay my head. Reality may snap me back like a whip but I dream until the day I can scramble up a switchback becomes a reality. I cannot wait to breathe in mountain air and eat wild strawberries. I cannot wait to dip my feet in an ice cold snowmelt. I wish to feel the sun warm my face high above the world. I hear the word "bear" and I instantly imagine myself in a battle for life. I see the sun glinting upon the ocean and I see myself, knee high, in a river stalking rainbow trout. At night, my dreams grow so vivid I cannot remember details quite as clearly but remember the depth of the emotions. I open my eyes and I am back home laying in my bed.
....I may be losing my mind
....I may be losing my mind
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
...Ezra...
These months have been some of the longest I've known in some time. Time flew by quite fast but the daily events went by at a crawl. Never did I think that I would resurface from my grief, even with the support and love of my family. There wasn't much for me to say in all this time, even at the urging and encouragement of my woman. I had lost my brother, a person riddled with pain and misgivings, for whom has watched over me for many years. Through all our ups and downs, we came together at the very end.
What a bitter ending...
But out of one chapter in life, a new one must begin. Am I wrong to assume that I can move forward one day? I surely hope that is inherent in me. If that were not the case, I would be in some serious trouble. My son grows every day, at such a rapid rate, that I don't even feel pain so much, let alone mourn for my lost brother. Each day is a new change, a new sound, a stronger step, and my son is already standing, albeit with assistance, in front of me.
Where has time gone?
My boy, whom I've given his middle name from my lost brother, reminds me of the future, the things to be had. When he smiles, I cannot help but smile. When he falls, I must hold him close and teach him to be strong. There is so much more to come and each day, while exhausting, gets easier. There is still a little part of me that will never let things go, the fact that my brother, whom I love so dearly, will not get to see his namesake grow.This pain will never escape me, but I want my son to know him still. In all these months since the last posting, I've felt a presence that has been unmistakable. I don't know what to believe, what to think, but I tell myself that I'm crazy or seeing things. Often, I see my brother in a flash, only to double take, and he is no longer there.
I wish he could return to me, to us.
However, as far as life goes, I try to keep my head up, even when I feel low, so that I am a pillar of strength to those around me. I fail miserably on many of these days but it could be far worse. I could be deep in a sinkhole, a place of no return, where many men have lost their souls. Yet, the light shines bright and every day becomes a little easier. My only hope is that I get my strength back so that I may stand tall against the next calamity.
I must become unbreakable.
What a bitter ending...
But out of one chapter in life, a new one must begin. Am I wrong to assume that I can move forward one day? I surely hope that is inherent in me. If that were not the case, I would be in some serious trouble. My son grows every day, at such a rapid rate, that I don't even feel pain so much, let alone mourn for my lost brother. Each day is a new change, a new sound, a stronger step, and my son is already standing, albeit with assistance, in front of me.
Where has time gone?
My boy, whom I've given his middle name from my lost brother, reminds me of the future, the things to be had. When he smiles, I cannot help but smile. When he falls, I must hold him close and teach him to be strong. There is so much more to come and each day, while exhausting, gets easier. There is still a little part of me that will never let things go, the fact that my brother, whom I love so dearly, will not get to see his namesake grow.This pain will never escape me, but I want my son to know him still. In all these months since the last posting, I've felt a presence that has been unmistakable. I don't know what to believe, what to think, but I tell myself that I'm crazy or seeing things. Often, I see my brother in a flash, only to double take, and he is no longer there.
I wish he could return to me, to us.
However, as far as life goes, I try to keep my head up, even when I feel low, so that I am a pillar of strength to those around me. I fail miserably on many of these days but it could be far worse. I could be deep in a sinkhole, a place of no return, where many men have lost their souls. Yet, the light shines bright and every day becomes a little easier. My only hope is that I get my strength back so that I may stand tall against the next calamity.
I must become unbreakable.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
...when a member of the pack dies...
Today, my brother died. The incident wasn't some random accident or murder. Suicide. Whatever opinion one holds on the subject has no importance. In the confusion, the occurrence of such an event leaves on in mystery, sadness, and anger. There is no point in analyzing his death but my mind repeats all the memories of his contact with me throughout the course of the day before the happening to the post.
My brother has always been troubled or, rather, seeking something with an edge to it. His personality screamed impulse. His hands took what they could. He had periods of calm where he backed off for, perhaps, a few months at a time. Such a period was rare and well-received, but always with an asterisk. An asterisk that says, "Just a second - he'll burn out any day." What the fuck? Why was he always like this? I began to get angrier by the minute. Stupid. Fucking selfish. What was so troubling to him, a person capable of achieving plentiful wealth and possessions, with a family always available, to go such a route? Fuck.
Well, my anger slowly dissipated into aggrieved acceptance. Nothing can be changed, obviously. Yet, it hurts all the more every passing moment. Somehow, one has to find the good in such a bad situation, only to validate their sadness as real, purposeful.
The good?
I named my son, only 28 days old, after my brother. In retrospect, I can take some solace in that, I suppose. I've never been in this situation before and the approach to it could be vast. In some way, he may be remembered in a new light. A future full of great hope and potential.
As this event has occurred approximately 30-45 minutes ago, perhaps more, I am short on words. What I have will have to do.
When a wolf dies, they go on a mourn hunt. When my brother died, I had no words.
My brother has always been troubled or, rather, seeking something with an edge to it. His personality screamed impulse. His hands took what they could. He had periods of calm where he backed off for, perhaps, a few months at a time. Such a period was rare and well-received, but always with an asterisk. An asterisk that says, "Just a second - he'll burn out any day." What the fuck? Why was he always like this? I began to get angrier by the minute. Stupid. Fucking selfish. What was so troubling to him, a person capable of achieving plentiful wealth and possessions, with a family always available, to go such a route? Fuck.
Well, my anger slowly dissipated into aggrieved acceptance. Nothing can be changed, obviously. Yet, it hurts all the more every passing moment. Somehow, one has to find the good in such a bad situation, only to validate their sadness as real, purposeful.
The good?
I named my son, only 28 days old, after my brother. In retrospect, I can take some solace in that, I suppose. I've never been in this situation before and the approach to it could be vast. In some way, he may be remembered in a new light. A future full of great hope and potential.
As this event has occurred approximately 30-45 minutes ago, perhaps more, I am short on words. What I have will have to do.
When a wolf dies, they go on a mourn hunt. When my brother died, I had no words.
Monday, August 9, 2010
..where is my son?...
The minutes go agonizingly slow in the darkness of night. I lay in bed next to my woman and my unborn child. My hand and forearm feel the entirety of the womb, registering the little bumps and kicks. Occasionally, I adjust my hand to catch a particularly hard bump but the little one is not too consistent with his movements. As we are about to hit the second day past the due date, I am gripped by anxiety and excitement. I cannot wait for my son to be born. I am afraid of my son being in this world. I am truly joyous that I will have a heir. I am fearful that, despite what I do, he may be destined for something else. Is a child's future determined by free will or destiny? There is no proof of either, which is all the more troubling, but comforting to think that there is some measure of choice and fate.
I gasp. My heart rate quickens. I try to adjust my position. Instead, I feel queasy and finding difficulty in taking calm breaths. I am at a place many have failed. What will be my result? Will I be a good father or a bad father? So many people profess to have been a good parent simply by being there, supporting their family, etc, etc, etc... But is simply providing a home and sustenance the key to being a good parent? Never mind a roof over their heads or food on the table. If you have some extent of that, what really makes you stand out as a parent?
Love.
I worry that I may not be able to communicate with my son as well I wish. I will teach him sign language before he even speaks, but I desire to hear my boy throughout his years, rather than supplementing with sign language. I have no gripes with sign language or being deaf anymore but the fact that I have fought for common ground, to be equal to anyone else, and refused to be labeled deaf(unless I myself use it as a scapegoat), I will never want anything less than to be like my son.
We are at the beginning of our lives. The beginning of a magnificent and tumultuous journey. I cannot help but think of all the things I want to do for and with my son. I still cannot fight back the anxieties trying to poison my joy. Perhaps, the anxieties will never leave, as I have observed in my parents, because they will never stop worrying until the day they die. Which leads me to realize that this is only the beginning. I will never stop worrying and protecting my family until the day I die. I don't plan on dying for a very, very long time so my family might get sick of me at some point.
I realize I've been dreaming and wake with a start. After a long time of feeling helpless and unable to sleep, I had drifted into a sea of what ifs. I shake my head and try to settle back in. I wish I knew what I was doing. I suppose that kind of knowledge will only come as I go. I grimace at the thought of being ignorant or, even, lacking basic understanding of how to do a particular thing.
I roll over in an attempt to sleep. I cannot sleep. I fall asleep. I wake with a start. I snort. I adjust and clench my teeth. I wake-dream in flashes but I am still awake. After some time laying motionless, I roll over one more time. Closer to my woman. I put my arm back around her and feel her womb in which my son resides. When will he come?
I fall asleep.
I gasp. My heart rate quickens. I try to adjust my position. Instead, I feel queasy and finding difficulty in taking calm breaths. I am at a place many have failed. What will be my result? Will I be a good father or a bad father? So many people profess to have been a good parent simply by being there, supporting their family, etc, etc, etc... But is simply providing a home and sustenance the key to being a good parent? Never mind a roof over their heads or food on the table. If you have some extent of that, what really makes you stand out as a parent?
Love.
I worry that I may not be able to communicate with my son as well I wish. I will teach him sign language before he even speaks, but I desire to hear my boy throughout his years, rather than supplementing with sign language. I have no gripes with sign language or being deaf anymore but the fact that I have fought for common ground, to be equal to anyone else, and refused to be labeled deaf(unless I myself use it as a scapegoat), I will never want anything less than to be like my son.
We are at the beginning of our lives. The beginning of a magnificent and tumultuous journey. I cannot help but think of all the things I want to do for and with my son. I still cannot fight back the anxieties trying to poison my joy. Perhaps, the anxieties will never leave, as I have observed in my parents, because they will never stop worrying until the day they die. Which leads me to realize that this is only the beginning. I will never stop worrying and protecting my family until the day I die. I don't plan on dying for a very, very long time so my family might get sick of me at some point.
I realize I've been dreaming and wake with a start. After a long time of feeling helpless and unable to sleep, I had drifted into a sea of what ifs. I shake my head and try to settle back in. I wish I knew what I was doing. I suppose that kind of knowledge will only come as I go. I grimace at the thought of being ignorant or, even, lacking basic understanding of how to do a particular thing.
I roll over in an attempt to sleep. I cannot sleep. I fall asleep. I wake with a start. I snort. I adjust and clench my teeth. I wake-dream in flashes but I am still awake. After some time laying motionless, I roll over one more time. Closer to my woman. I put my arm back around her and feel her womb in which my son resides. When will he come?
I fall asleep.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
...the bump...
Here's a first shot at 33 1/2 weeks....procuring pictures of the soon to pop belly has been an arduous task...Click the picture for the full shot...
These weeks have truly been joyous and I cannot wait for the impending arrival of my son.
This will be my journey into manhood that which will transcend all things in my growth.
Peace and Bless.
This will be my journey into manhood that which will transcend all things in my growth.
Peace and Bless.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
...still breathing over here...
...I haven't typed a word since the last post which is dated for you suckers but I don't bother to keep track since it has been ages. As I've been caught up in the whirlwind that is school, a new family setting, and fatherhood, I didn't realize the extent of my absence. Sure, I may have had time to write a few pieces here and there, but my mind and heart wasn't set on it. Why bother? The only words that would have come out would have been "durrrrrrrrrr" since all my creative energy was devoted to breakfast, school, homework, housework, dinner, zombie-ing on the couch, and counting the days until school lets out and the boy pops out.
I'm still lacking a chunk of my former enthusiasm for writing, I've decided to start tracking my son via uterus by way of photography the next few days.
I am hoping this will give me the jump start I'm looking for to get back into the business of entertaining the masses with my edifications.
In the meantime..hang onto your asses.
I'm still lacking a chunk of my former enthusiasm for writing, I've decided to start tracking my son via uterus by way of photography the next few days.
I am hoping this will give me the jump start I'm looking for to get back into the business of entertaining the masses with my edifications.
In the meantime..hang onto your asses.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
...progress in acceptance...
Dear Dr. William House,
In light of my growth process and realization of the things that matter in my life, I have come to an apex in a life cycle. It’s been about 21 years since I’ve had my cochlear implant and it has been a miraculous means of support and survival for me. The road has been bumpy and filled with every kind of up and down you can imagine, but it wouldn’t have been as special as it was without you. I regret the immaturity in my appreciation for these things over the years and wish I would have said a few words more here and there, at the very least, to show you the happiness you gave me. I recently picked up a National Geographic showcasing the bionic advances in today’s technology and it showed a child with a double implantation. It was amazing to see the differences and capabilities offered to people nowadays.
As fate would have it, I was at an ultrasound appointment last week with my better half to find out the age of our unborn child and there it hit me. There was a little boy with a double implantation and mildly autistic. His parents told me that he got implanted by the House Ear Institute and it was such a joy to see him able to communicate with his family. However, something I’ve gained in the years of my toeing the line in deaf/not being deaf in being able to read people’s faces, eyes, and expressions. I could see the sadness and nearly lost hope in his eyes, despite his improvement. He was limited in his ability to communicate due to his autism, but his eyes spoke of his hope and despair all at once. I knew these feelings as a child, but they diminished as I grew up and developed my abilities as far as they can go. It was an exceptionally profound moment that kickstarted my mind to a place I wish I had attained at a younger age. I realized my inability(note: stubbornness) to accept being deaf due to my being brought closer to normalcy had been holding me back in some ways, but allowed me to grow in other ways. I realize now is the time for another change in my life. I needed to thank you in so many words for doing this for me. For being a strong supporter in my life and those like me. I saw that child and felt the need to help him since not many could truly understand him on his level. I have started the process of creating a foundation to hand pick children akin to me to, hopefully one day, help them from start to finish in their education, therapy, aid, and life. I do not want another to experience the pain or struggles I went through, small or large. It may have been the experiences that made me stronger but, also, they were the ones that made me harbor a slight bitterness along with extreme joy when I think about it.
Then, the next revelation occurred to me. I write this as I sit in my bed freshly woken up from a dream. I was dreaming that we were meeting for a talk about life and the changes that have been made. You told me the positive progress and I expressed my anxieties the new technology offered. Mainly, it is due to the fear of surgery again and, possibly, again. I have a slight trepidation to starting all over, even with a supposedly incredibly new implant or design. Yet, I feel the need to have a moral push to accept it for a better me. I woke up in tears as I realized how long it has been, how immature I have been, and how much you have done.
I can only say it in so many words.
Thank you for everything. I wouldn’t have traded anything for it. It brought me to where I am, to allow me to hear the beautiful sounds in life, and meet the person I’m going to raise my family with. I can say this with all my heart, as sincerely as possible, that you are my savior and my beacon in this storm.
Thank you.
With all my love and best regards,
JDF
In light of my growth process and realization of the things that matter in my life, I have come to an apex in a life cycle. It’s been about 21 years since I’ve had my cochlear implant and it has been a miraculous means of support and survival for me. The road has been bumpy and filled with every kind of up and down you can imagine, but it wouldn’t have been as special as it was without you. I regret the immaturity in my appreciation for these things over the years and wish I would have said a few words more here and there, at the very least, to show you the happiness you gave me. I recently picked up a National Geographic showcasing the bionic advances in today’s technology and it showed a child with a double implantation. It was amazing to see the differences and capabilities offered to people nowadays.
As fate would have it, I was at an ultrasound appointment last week with my better half to find out the age of our unborn child and there it hit me. There was a little boy with a double implantation and mildly autistic. His parents told me that he got implanted by the House Ear Institute and it was such a joy to see him able to communicate with his family. However, something I’ve gained in the years of my toeing the line in deaf/not being deaf in being able to read people’s faces, eyes, and expressions. I could see the sadness and nearly lost hope in his eyes, despite his improvement. He was limited in his ability to communicate due to his autism, but his eyes spoke of his hope and despair all at once. I knew these feelings as a child, but they diminished as I grew up and developed my abilities as far as they can go. It was an exceptionally profound moment that kickstarted my mind to a place I wish I had attained at a younger age. I realized my inability(note: stubbornness) to accept being deaf due to my being brought closer to normalcy had been holding me back in some ways, but allowed me to grow in other ways. I realize now is the time for another change in my life. I needed to thank you in so many words for doing this for me. For being a strong supporter in my life and those like me. I saw that child and felt the need to help him since not many could truly understand him on his level. I have started the process of creating a foundation to hand pick children akin to me to, hopefully one day, help them from start to finish in their education, therapy, aid, and life. I do not want another to experience the pain or struggles I went through, small or large. It may have been the experiences that made me stronger but, also, they were the ones that made me harbor a slight bitterness along with extreme joy when I think about it.
Then, the next revelation occurred to me. I write this as I sit in my bed freshly woken up from a dream. I was dreaming that we were meeting for a talk about life and the changes that have been made. You told me the positive progress and I expressed my anxieties the new technology offered. Mainly, it is due to the fear of surgery again and, possibly, again. I have a slight trepidation to starting all over, even with a supposedly incredibly new implant or design. Yet, I feel the need to have a moral push to accept it for a better me. I woke up in tears as I realized how long it has been, how immature I have been, and how much you have done.
I can only say it in so many words.
Thank you for everything. I wouldn’t have traded anything for it. It brought me to where I am, to allow me to hear the beautiful sounds in life, and meet the person I’m going to raise my family with. I can say this with all my heart, as sincerely as possible, that you are my savior and my beacon in this storm.
Thank you.
With all my love and best regards,
JDF
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
...prior to the life of...
The blinding dashes cut to my brain
Restless and Resilient I feel
The changes fading in smoke
My seed spread, growing and gasping
I don't feel a regret or a worry
But in my youth, I sense the aging
Unbreakable and Unstoppable I feel
My eyes wide and alert always
This world cracks every day
The protector I must become
I can't waste away in my mind
As I am about to see a life
Unfold and act upon creation
I gasp and stand strong
Soon I will know what I must do
It's a hell of a thing to come to
But I've never been happier
Restless and Resilient I feel
The changes fading in smoke
My seed spread, growing and gasping
I don't feel a regret or a worry
But in my youth, I sense the aging
Unbreakable and Unstoppable I feel
My eyes wide and alert always
This world cracks every day
The protector I must become
I can't waste away in my mind
As I am about to see a life
Unfold and act upon creation
I gasp and stand strong
Soon I will know what I must do
It's a hell of a thing to come to
But I've never been happier
Monday, November 30, 2009
...if only you knew...
I’ve been stunned. I lost my face, went white with shock, then like an infectious disease, I couldn’t stop grinning. That shit eating grin was the day my life changed.
I can’t really even tell you right now. I should not be alluding to anything.
But.
I am...a happy man.
My brother quoted Hunter S. Thompson as a means for some friendly advice. It doesn’t really quite apply to this situation, only to the panic one might experience.
Goddamn.
I am excited.
While in the midst of preparations, a move, a life changing switch, all that froze in its tracks.
Not a bad thing, though.
Now I go back to my roots, in a sense. Re-establish my connection. Fix some loose ends. Build my legacy.
Legacy?
I know it.
In the words of Walter Sobchak, I leave you:
If you will it, it is no dream.
(for you suckers, I know it’s a Herzl original)
Life will be good.
I can’t really even tell you right now. I should not be alluding to anything.
But.
I am...a happy man.
My brother quoted Hunter S. Thompson as a means for some friendly advice. It doesn’t really quite apply to this situation, only to the panic one might experience.
Goddamn.
I am excited.
While in the midst of preparations, a move, a life changing switch, all that froze in its tracks.
Not a bad thing, though.
Now I go back to my roots, in a sense. Re-establish my connection. Fix some loose ends. Build my legacy.
Legacy?
I know it.
In the words of Walter Sobchak, I leave you:
If you will it, it is no dream.
(for you suckers, I know it’s a Herzl original)
Life will be good.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
...love...
I had a habit of forgetting things
The simple things that matter most
I went through life blind and broken
A penchant for a lifted nose and ego
Torn by a woman, beaten by the world
A soldier of freedom I became
Deaf to the cries and plies
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
To your smile brilliant
Your lips so sweet, tender
Your sighs, oh, so light
From the darkness of night
I come to shine
It was inconsequential
The choices I made
It was unstoppable, this train
This flood of pure
Resolution and revelation
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
To your smell, so warm
Your curves, so soft
Your eyes, an ocean
From an island to a home
I had been led astray
Bitterness and hatred veiled
Lifted from my eyes
Now I never thought I'd be the same again
Fighting for love
Digging deep to quench this thirst
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
To your touch, heal me
To your moans, bring me alive
The fire in your words, I love
And you know it is a surprise
When things happen so easy
It becomes a blur and what?
The time is never enough
Healing is only the start
Loving is only the beginning
I don't want to let go
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
Oh, oh, oh
It all came down to you
The simple things that matter most
I went through life blind and broken
A penchant for a lifted nose and ego
Torn by a woman, beaten by the world
A soldier of freedom I became
Deaf to the cries and plies
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
To your smile brilliant
Your lips so sweet, tender
Your sighs, oh, so light
From the darkness of night
I come to shine
It was inconsequential
The choices I made
It was unstoppable, this train
This flood of pure
Resolution and revelation
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
To your smell, so warm
Your curves, so soft
Your eyes, an ocean
From an island to a home
I had been led astray
Bitterness and hatred veiled
Lifted from my eyes
Now I never thought I'd be the same again
Fighting for love
Digging deep to quench this thirst
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
To your touch, heal me
To your moans, bring me alive
The fire in your words, I love
And you know it is a surprise
When things happen so easy
It becomes a blur and what?
The time is never enough
Healing is only the start
Loving is only the beginning
I don't want to let go
Oh, then, oh
It all came down to you
Oh, oh, oh
It all came down to you
Friday, October 30, 2009
...who knew?...
The strength of a person’s mind is as powerful as their will. In light of recent incidents, I’ve realized the tenacity and determination required to look away from an old attachment, routines, or even, a friend. You never thought the day would come when the expiration lapsed and a total meltdown would ensue. Years of quiet tolerance, patient ignorance, and a gnawing fear that it would be for naught. I have come a long way from fists in the streets to words at the dinner table. Yet, I never thought such words would be spilled at a friendly dinner. Then, the clouds raged and grew dark. Over a meal of meat and potatoes, friendly words soon soured, turned into hatred and ugliness, and blood boiled.
From the first word, I felt my brow weigh down. My nape prickled and grew hot. The acid-hot blood surged through my veins and I saw the beginnings of darkness. Prone to extreme anger and violence in truly necessary situations, I felt I was thrown into the pit of lions. All I saw at that point was KILL. Here was what I thought was my comrade, my friend, and he simply lost it. With that in mind, I realized I couldn’t react like I would in the darkest situations, despite these ugly words. Yet, the beast in me screamed to kill, ravage, destroy, mutilate, just to react in a simply destructive way. The man in me kept the beast in check, but not without repercussions. At only the halfway point of this altercation, I began shaking and quivering violently with the inner desire for combustion battling my self-control. I could feel the beast clawing, tearing inside me, roaring to kill, but yet, I was holding back.
Somehow, I was able to restrain myself, keep it cool, and calmly try to break down the situation. I asked questions pertinent to our lives, our future, and the implications of the now. Completely disregarded, I was shocked. It went above and beyond what was necessary in unnecessary. I mustered up the strength to say my last words without backlash.
You will regret this. You will regret the things you’ve said and done. You don’t know it now, but you will see it soon.
These last words weren’t said once, but multiple times. I tried to give the benefit of doubt, the moment of pause to react appropriately, yet it was a lost cause. After the final saying of these words, I got up and turned my back to my former friend. While I didn’t decide it would be forever, I knew it my mind and heart that it will be so. Upon descending the steps out the door and into the street, I was engulfed in a blackness of rage and anguish. I was still shocked by the turn of events, yet accepting of my decision and choice.
The strength of a person’s mind is as powerful as it allows them to believe as long as there is a degree of control and sanity. Sadly, I believe two powerful minds were at a head and one prevailed. The other seemed to have cracked like glass and spilled its contents out, plaguing me with its evil words. It took much out of me but I realized that I am much stronger than that.
The strength of my mind is of my own perception of my true power. I make this point by diminishing means of communication, desire, or relationship. I feel a sense of comfort and stability by looking to the future, not the past.
There is no time for a person to be brought down by another person’s words or actions.
From the first word, I felt my brow weigh down. My nape prickled and grew hot. The acid-hot blood surged through my veins and I saw the beginnings of darkness. Prone to extreme anger and violence in truly necessary situations, I felt I was thrown into the pit of lions. All I saw at that point was KILL. Here was what I thought was my comrade, my friend, and he simply lost it. With that in mind, I realized I couldn’t react like I would in the darkest situations, despite these ugly words. Yet, the beast in me screamed to kill, ravage, destroy, mutilate, just to react in a simply destructive way. The man in me kept the beast in check, but not without repercussions. At only the halfway point of this altercation, I began shaking and quivering violently with the inner desire for combustion battling my self-control. I could feel the beast clawing, tearing inside me, roaring to kill, but yet, I was holding back.
Somehow, I was able to restrain myself, keep it cool, and calmly try to break down the situation. I asked questions pertinent to our lives, our future, and the implications of the now. Completely disregarded, I was shocked. It went above and beyond what was necessary in unnecessary. I mustered up the strength to say my last words without backlash.
You will regret this. You will regret the things you’ve said and done. You don’t know it now, but you will see it soon.
These last words weren’t said once, but multiple times. I tried to give the benefit of doubt, the moment of pause to react appropriately, yet it was a lost cause. After the final saying of these words, I got up and turned my back to my former friend. While I didn’t decide it would be forever, I knew it my mind and heart that it will be so. Upon descending the steps out the door and into the street, I was engulfed in a blackness of rage and anguish. I was still shocked by the turn of events, yet accepting of my decision and choice.
The strength of a person’s mind is as powerful as it allows them to believe as long as there is a degree of control and sanity. Sadly, I believe two powerful minds were at a head and one prevailed. The other seemed to have cracked like glass and spilled its contents out, plaguing me with its evil words. It took much out of me but I realized that I am much stronger than that.
The strength of my mind is of my own perception of my true power. I make this point by diminishing means of communication, desire, or relationship. I feel a sense of comfort and stability by looking to the future, not the past.
There is no time for a person to be brought down by another person’s words or actions.
Friday, October 16, 2009
...redemption...
There's a red plaid ocean in my dreams
An endless bobbing sea of flannel
The time stretches out endlessly
I find myself sinking in the darkness
And a hand touches me on my soul
Electrified and revived
The skies are empty as my sadness
Wanting for nothing
My angel waits for me to wake
Green blue eyes and soft
I hear the drumbeats go in my head
From deep inside, from far away
Her touch blinds my senses
I open my eyes to stop the storm
I grab her close to keep from crashing
Swallowed up in the sea
The night ends and day brightens
I hold her warmth next to me
Keep myself close to this love
Fighting against the time
As a broken man beat down
She pulled me from the fire
Save my soul from certain destruction
Sweet redemption rained down from her eyes
Green-blue tears to heal my wounds
I look up at the sky to see her
But she's gone away, far away
I see the clock racing against me
She already knew what was to come
As I find myself sitting alone
I look at the lines of my hands
And see all the times they've touched her
For the first time in a long time
I smile.
An endless bobbing sea of flannel
The time stretches out endlessly
I find myself sinking in the darkness
And a hand touches me on my soul
Electrified and revived
The skies are empty as my sadness
Wanting for nothing
My angel waits for me to wake
Green blue eyes and soft
I hear the drumbeats go in my head
From deep inside, from far away
Her touch blinds my senses
I open my eyes to stop the storm
I grab her close to keep from crashing
Swallowed up in the sea
The night ends and day brightens
I hold her warmth next to me
Keep myself close to this love
Fighting against the time
As a broken man beat down
She pulled me from the fire
Save my soul from certain destruction
Sweet redemption rained down from her eyes
Green-blue tears to heal my wounds
I look up at the sky to see her
But she's gone away, far away
I see the clock racing against me
She already knew what was to come
As I find myself sitting alone
I look at the lines of my hands
And see all the times they've touched her
For the first time in a long time
I smile.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
...dream within a dream...
I was walking down the green fields
Saw a bright light flash over the sky
My steps were mired in mud
Dragging the earth with me
A burning brightness seared the clouds
The wind blew hurt into my face
Screaming, howling, whipping
My eyes were closed as I ran
Clutching my chest to feel my beat
I was empty inside, a shell of nothing
The sun touched down and shattered
I swore I could pick up the pieces
They only laughed at me and melted away
Everything I ever hated in a puddle
The sky was now dark and quiet
I could see my reflection even in blackness
I stood for many days and nights
Stood still like stone til I cracked
The anxieties and sadness rippling away
Then, the earth opened up and swallowed me
I was consumed by dirt and corpses
I sank into darkness again
I laid there under earth biding my time
I dreamed inside of my dream
I begged and begged to be free
Yet, still as a stone I lay
Then, a hand reached in and grabbed mine
Pulled me free from my earthly tomb
I had no voice to gasp or speak
I fell to my knees and looked up
I could not see a person or spirit
As I looked into the night sky
I think to myself, was I dreaming?
How I have these dreams within dreams
Worlds beyond galaxies and imagination
I shake my thoughts and get to my feet
It was not the world I was taken from
I walked on into the alien landscape
With some sort of purpose I wander
What felt like eternity was only a few blinks
I walked and walked and walked
My chest became heavy and tired
I wished to stop and sleep
I felt there was no end to this nightmare
I laid down upon the desert sand and look!
The sky was a dazzling kaleidoscope
Filled with beautiful colors and shapes
I laughed at myself for dreaming such ridiculousness
My eyes grew heavy and the colors persisted
I could no longer relent and I slipped away
I dreamed for what seemed like ages
and I opened my eyes and groaned
I was home all along.
Saw a bright light flash over the sky
My steps were mired in mud
Dragging the earth with me
A burning brightness seared the clouds
The wind blew hurt into my face
Screaming, howling, whipping
My eyes were closed as I ran
Clutching my chest to feel my beat
I was empty inside, a shell of nothing
The sun touched down and shattered
I swore I could pick up the pieces
They only laughed at me and melted away
Everything I ever hated in a puddle
The sky was now dark and quiet
I could see my reflection even in blackness
I stood for many days and nights
Stood still like stone til I cracked
The anxieties and sadness rippling away
Then, the earth opened up and swallowed me
I was consumed by dirt and corpses
I sank into darkness again
I laid there under earth biding my time
I dreamed inside of my dream
I begged and begged to be free
Yet, still as a stone I lay
Then, a hand reached in and grabbed mine
Pulled me free from my earthly tomb
I had no voice to gasp or speak
I fell to my knees and looked up
I could not see a person or spirit
As I looked into the night sky
I think to myself, was I dreaming?
How I have these dreams within dreams
Worlds beyond galaxies and imagination
I shake my thoughts and get to my feet
It was not the world I was taken from
I walked on into the alien landscape
With some sort of purpose I wander
What felt like eternity was only a few blinks
I walked and walked and walked
My chest became heavy and tired
I wished to stop and sleep
I felt there was no end to this nightmare
I laid down upon the desert sand and look!
The sky was a dazzling kaleidoscope
Filled with beautiful colors and shapes
I laughed at myself for dreaming such ridiculousness
My eyes grew heavy and the colors persisted
I could no longer relent and I slipped away
I dreamed for what seemed like ages
and I opened my eyes and groaned
I was home all along.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
...contemplation...
It has finally happened. The long waiting period, the changes necessary, and the growth mentally. After puttering around the first half or so of 2009, I'm finally cracking the books. Constantly checking my schedule for homework, reading up on my material, and writing papers. The first week or so was a stumbling block. I felt like I couldn't sit still to do enough work. I couldn't approach the thought processes necessary to write in different perspectives. It was the rust on my brain holding me back. The 7 years since high school gone stale. Then, just a few days ago, I found my space and rhythm. It's been a smooth ride since. I'm beginning to relish the challenge and I'm beginning to want more than they can offer this semester.
Now, practically mid-coitus with another transitional phase, I'm merely biding my time. I wont be here in the OC much longer will all you folks. I know it's a sad thing leaving, but the grip of the bubble will fade soon enough. The day I leave OC, add some miles between me and her, and settle in my new territory, I will be able to sigh and sink in my chair. I will truly miss all my friends and family, but who is to live my life?
I had a dream last night that I was packing up and all my friends were there watching me. Nobody was helping, which was odd, because it was at the same time I was trying to load up the heaviest items. They were all expressionless, but numbered, and I could only look back as I was in the process and see the lack of emotion. Then, I realized, they didn't even have faces. They were just figures, shells of themselves, not even souls. I, then, turned to my truck and realized it was overflowing and I was about to be beset by my own furniture. It came tumbling, crashing, splintering, and crushing me. I lay there on the driveway, the hard blacktop, and I looked up from my place. They had moved closer and were leaning in. Yet, no faces. Silhouettes and outlines surrounded me. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't reach. They were coming for me. Their hands reached out and got closer until the light blotted out from their palms. It became very dark and I closed my eyes to let it be swift. Then, nothing. I finally wake up in my own bed with both arms straight out in front of me to stop the hands. The hands of my friends coming for my soul.
Is that what it was?
Now, practically mid-coitus with another transitional phase, I'm merely biding my time. I wont be here in the OC much longer will all you folks. I know it's a sad thing leaving, but the grip of the bubble will fade soon enough. The day I leave OC, add some miles between me and her, and settle in my new territory, I will be able to sigh and sink in my chair. I will truly miss all my friends and family, but who is to live my life?
I had a dream last night that I was packing up and all my friends were there watching me. Nobody was helping, which was odd, because it was at the same time I was trying to load up the heaviest items. They were all expressionless, but numbered, and I could only look back as I was in the process and see the lack of emotion. Then, I realized, they didn't even have faces. They were just figures, shells of themselves, not even souls. I, then, turned to my truck and realized it was overflowing and I was about to be beset by my own furniture. It came tumbling, crashing, splintering, and crushing me. I lay there on the driveway, the hard blacktop, and I looked up from my place. They had moved closer and were leaning in. Yet, no faces. Silhouettes and outlines surrounded me. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't reach. They were coming for me. Their hands reached out and got closer until the light blotted out from their palms. It became very dark and I closed my eyes to let it be swift. Then, nothing. I finally wake up in my own bed with both arms straight out in front of me to stop the hands. The hands of my friends coming for my soul.
Is that what it was?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
...Beethoven...
A man scoffed at and reviled
His last days spent in anger
His world of music diminishing
The sounds of joy fading away
A man consumed by his instrument
Destroyed by his flaws
Many a night he must have died
His temper smoldering in fury
He beat on the piano keys
Day by day, it mutes ever more
Finally, peace was found
Despite the audience's confusion
By his final works of chaos
Confusion and Horror
This man finally died
As a storm broke out
His last breath lives on forever
Now came a man. A man by the name of Karajan. His spirit and ferocity match the anger of Beethoven. Enjoy.
His last days spent in anger
His world of music diminishing
The sounds of joy fading away
A man consumed by his instrument
Destroyed by his flaws
Many a night he must have died
His temper smoldering in fury
He beat on the piano keys
Day by day, it mutes ever more
Finally, peace was found
Despite the audience's confusion
By his final works of chaos
Confusion and Horror
This man finally died
As a storm broke out
His last breath lives on forever
Now came a man. A man by the name of Karajan. His spirit and ferocity match the anger of Beethoven. Enjoy.
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