...and a side of purpose

A short time passes by and I think it's been forever. I see my changes in stages that are almost exponential in progression. I feel that as time goes by and it telescopes to a final outcome, the subsequent growth will only be faster and faster until I achieve the maturity necessary to die gracefully.
I never fear or worry that it is near. Do you think life will be any better or easier or convenient by preparing for the inevitable? Maybe it is selfish to think this way, but if you take calculated risks everyday, where's the harm in risking peace of mind? No matter, it comes for us all but we all approach it in such a variety of ways, one would think we'd be enlightened to the fact.

The things that make you happy. That make you sad. That make you crave life. Crave isolation. Where does it all come from? What can you do for yourself to be where you want to be? Is it all in our head? Our hearts? A little of everything? I hope we're not being seduced by a great power with the intent of bending you over backwards for every ounce of our soul. In every stage of our lives, we fight against something. Feeling ourselves alone in the world. A world of billions clawing at each other for the top. Most give up. Most stand back and watch. The few that stand tall are drawing a fine line between insanity and genocide. We are either a good or a bad. I lay here thinking, hoping there will be another time when I can look back and see something worth saving, living, fighting for.

I smile at the thought one day I'll make it far away from here. Sure, things aren't bad, but sometimes you want something more. I am always looking for it, feeling for it....most times, i dont even know what it is....
Being purposeful in life is a rarity. Most questions are left unanswered. We pray, beg, seek, study, learn, explore the reaches for an answer to everything. We destroy and rape as we discover. We have encyclopedias and books and resources filled with information of everything in the world. All our thoughts, our sciences, our religions, our feelings, our lives, all on a piece of paper or digital data. In the time we live in, we should definitely have enlightenment. Yet, we are beasts, raw and wild in our own state. Will our journeys cut too deep into the earth? Will we finally learn the mind? Will we abandon our ties to weaknesses? And the world reborn?

I cherish every moment I have. I regret every evil I've done. I am still young and have much to do yet in my life. I only wish for an epic ending. I hope the day I die, I turn to stone and the first west wind will blow me to dust. I know this is only a dream of heroic tragedy, but it wouldn't hurt to end in such a way. I believe we all earn our rewards. It all depends on how you look at them. You appreciate and value what you have, who you have near you, and how you live. To desire, want, stress over needless things and people is the hardest habit to break. We all feel a need for something in our lives but controlling how it affects you is supreme. If not for the human heart, the world would run rampant with the bile that is our dark side.

Maybe i'm not doing so well, after all. Maybe I'm going too slow and stupid for what's necessary in life. Maybe I really don't know what I'm doing. None of that matters since all I see is where I'm going and the end result and the fact that I can see that is very comforting. I haven't had an end goal in sight in so long, it was almost disheartening. To be able to know what the end will be if all goes well, give or take a few detours, is an amazing thing. Especially after a long set of confusing years and bitterness.

No matter.
It's only going to be hell from here on out.
Hell, I can handle.